


239 Years Just To Get To You

by IBoatedHere



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-14 19:05:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4576263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IBoatedHere/pseuds/IBoatedHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This is awful.”</p><p>“You said that already. Sackett, what’s happening? This is crazier than usual.”</p><p>“Time travel.” He points frantically at the man. “Him. Travel. He traveled. From the past. Or I guess, theoretically, from the future but looking at him I’d say that past. Revolution, maybe. I don’t know. I’ll have to do some research.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know nothing about time travel. I haven't even seen Back to the Future. I'm going to ask you very nicely to ignore any kind of time travel plot holes that come up. I'll do my best to stop them but who knows. To quote Dean Pelton "time travel is really hard to write about."

_New Jersey, 1776_

Ben runs.

  
He runs for his life and for his country. He’s the only survivor. Robert Rogers and his men and whoever is responsible for tipping off their location for this ambush made sure of that.

The coat is a bit too big and heavy. It slows him down but he is trying to create as much space between him and the men as possible. It’s the only way he’ll survive.

A shot goes off and the bullet cuts a deep gash in the bark of the tree directly to his left. He’s running on luck which quickly runs out.

The next shot hits him just below his right shoulder. There’s searing pain as he stumbles but he recovers enough to stay on his feet.

He can see denser trees up ahead. If he can make it there he might be able to shake them and make it back to camp.

All he can hear is his own labored breathing, the steady thud of his feet against the earth, Rogers and his men yelling, and one more blast.

Then everything goes black.

 

_Long Island 2015_

 

Caleb is falling asleep in front of the TV when he hears the explosion.

It’s the second one that week so he’s not overly concerned but he still lifts himself off the couch to make his way across the hall to Mr. Sackett’s apartment. He stands on his toes to reach for the key on the top of the door frame then slides it into the lock.

He’s so used to this by now. Earlier that week he walked in on him holding a fire extinguisher to a glorified microwave with singed eyebrows and the time before that he was soaking wet and just about to plunge a screwdriver into an electrical outlet. Caleb had slapped it out of his hand and Sackett yelled at him for ten minutes about how he just destroyed a month long experiment.

“What is it this time?” Caleb asks as soon as the door opens.

The fire alarm isn’t going off and neither is the CO2 detector. He can’t smell any smoke and there doesn’t seem to be a puddle of any kind of mysterious liquid on the ground or dripping from the ceiling. Instead Sackett is sitting perfectly still on the couch and is staring straight ahead into a large wooden box. Anytime Caleb had been in the apartment the box had been covered with a sheet. He tried to take a peak a few times but he always had his hand pushed away.

“What exploded?”

Sackett is silent and completely still.

“Nothing looks burnt. What was it? Some kind of sonic boom or something? Hey.” He waves his hand in front of Sackett’s face, suddenly worried. “Are you alright? Do you need me to call someone?”  


Sackett shakes his head and Caleb is relieved. He wouldn’t know who to call. Sackett’s wife died nearly ten years ago and they never had children. He’s mentioned some professors he used to work with at Columbia but there’s no way for Caleb to get a hold of them.

He raises his hand and points to the box and Caleb looks over his shoulder. There’s a man slumped over in the corner dressed in dark green. He looks filthy.

“You get an assistant or something? Does this mean you don’t need me running over every ten minutes? I have to say I’m a little relieved and strangely jealous.” He jokes.

“You see him too?” Sackett whispers.

“Yeah. Was he the one that exploded? He looks terrible.” He steps towards the box and crouches down so he can poke at the man’s shoulder. “You alright, buddy?”

Sackett bursts off the couch and starts to pace. He pauses briefly in front of the box and the and the man before starting again.

“This is awful. This is terrible. This is awful, this is amazing but this is terrible. Do you have any idea what this means?” He asks Caleb.

“I have no idea what’s going on. I think this guy needs some help.”

“This is awful.”

“You said that already. Sackett, what’s happening? This is crazier than usual.”

“Time travel.” He points frantically at the man. “Him. Travel. He traveled. From the past. Or I guess, theoretically, from the future but looking at him I’d say that past. Revolution, maybe. I don’t know.

I’ll have to do some research.”

Caleb looks at him for a long moment before he stands up and cocks his head to the side. “Do you think I’m stupid? Is this your way of getting back at me for making all those jokes about yourexperiments? Or are you just trying to impress me? You hired an actor to pretend to be from the past to make yourself look good?”

“He’s not an actor.”

“Oh, okay. Sure. I’ll play along. He’s not an actor. That was an amazing experiment.” He claps his hands together. “I’m thrilled with the results now I’m going to leave so you can pay him and I can try to fall asleep.”

“He’s not an actor.” Sackett repeats as he follows Caleb towards the door. “I need your help.”

“I’m done playing along. I’ve indulged you far too much already. You’re on your own now. You can wake up now.” He calls to the man. “Whoever did your makeup is amazing. That bullet wound almost looks real.”

“Bullet wound?”

“Yes, the hole in his shoulder. It’s very realistic. Did you use one of those blood packs like they use in the movies?”

Sackett hurries over and leans down next to him, pushing the fabric of his jacket to the side. When he pulls his hand back it’s covered in blood.

“A very big blood pack.”

“No, no. This is real, this is a real wound. I need your help, please, Brewster.”

“Nope. Not falling for it.”

“Caleb.” Sackett calls and he stops. He’s never called him by his first name before. He’s never sounded so desperate. “Please, Caleb, you have to help me. He’s losing blood. We have to do something or he’ll die.”

Caleb rubs his hands over his face and groans in frustration. He walks back over and can’t believe what’s happening.

“Hurry, quick. There isn’t time.”

Caleb rolls his eyes and sighs as he leans down to get a look for himself. It definitely looks real and he leans the man forward to see the exit wound through the back of the woolen jacket. The blood that sticks to his hand is thick, warm, and smells metallic. His stomach turns. This man may very well be an actor but this wound is very real.

“He’s been shot.” Caleb says simply. He feels like he might be going into shock.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” Sackett shouts and Caleb springs up as he digs into his back pocket for his phone. “What are you doing?”

“Calling 911, what do you think? Put pressure on that.” He points shakily at the man while he unlocks his phone. His other hand is shaking. It takes him a few tries.

“You can’t do that!” Sackett snatches the phone.

“You just said he was going to die.”

“We can’t tell anyone about him!”

“Cut the shit, okay. This is serious. I don’t know how or why you got him here but he needs help.”

“We can do it ourselves.”

“Jesus, it’s not a paper cut. He’s been shot. He’s unresponsive.”

“The bullet went straight through.”

“What does that have to do with anything? Are you a doctor now?”

“The care we give him with what little experience we have would be better than anything he could hope to get where he comes from.”

“Where he comes from? What are you talking about? He needs a hospital.”

“You want to call 911 and get the police involved? They’re going to have questions about where he came from and how he got shot. Are you ready for them to be snooping around in your things? What about your finances? If they happen to find out that roughly 60% of your income comes to you from ventures that are slightly less than legal what will you do then? The last time I checked hacking and online pirating is an offense that they take quite seriously. It doesn’t help that you fail to pay taxes on that money as well.”

“Then we’ll drop him off at the hospital?”

“Just push him out of the car as we drive by? That’s not suspicious at all.”

“Move him down to the street and we’ll call in an anonymous tip.”

“He’s a fully grown man and we’re in a five story walk up with security cameras at the exits. We’re not getting him out of here without being seen. Doing it ourselves it the only option.”

Caleb digs the heels of his hands into his eyes so hard that then he pulls them away his vision blurs.

“How do you suggest we do that?”

“I have books.” Sackett steps around him and into his office. He pokes his head out to toss Caleb gauze. “Use that and put some pressure on that wound.” He tells him. Caleb shakes his head and presses his hands against the hole in the jacket. “I’ve read most of them.” He reappears with a stack of books. “And if those aren’t enough we always have YouTube.” He slides Caleb’s phone back to him. “I’m going to brush up on these. Bring him over to the couch and get him out of his coat and shirt. Hurry up. I’ll do all the work after that.”

Caleb sighs. He never should have come over here.

The man is heavy and dead weight but he manages to strong arm him onto the couch and out of his clothes. There’s a pistol and a hunting knife stuffed into the waistband of his pants. He puts the knife on the table and turns the pistol over in his hand.

“This is an amazing replica. Its looks real and brand new.”

“It is real.” Sackett mumbles but doesn’t look up from the book.

“It’s loaded too.” He sets it down on the coffee table next to the knife. “This guy is good. If he makes it through this you’re going to have to tip him well.”

“Go wash your hands.” Sackett closes the book. “There are gloves under the kitchen sink, grab them. I’ll wash up in the bathroom, grab the instruments and clean them.”

“You have surgical instruments lying around?”

“I have what we need. What we need to do is make sure everything is clean. It wasn’t the wound that killed these men, it was the infection. If we get through this and we keep it clean and dry he should be fine.”

“What if he wakes up? He’s out cold now but what if the pain brings him around.”

“That’s a chance we’re going to have to take.”

“But what if-“

“What if it all works out fine? That’s the only what if I’m willing to entertain right now. I need you hold his arms in case he does wake up.”

“So you agree it’s a possibility?”

“This man is from the past.” He says tightly. “Right now everything is a possibility.”

Caleb takes a spot next to the man’s hip as Sackett kneels beside him. He peels back the bandage and pales at the sight of fresh blood.

“It’s not so bad.” Caleb is trying to help but he can see Sackett fading. “You can do this. You’ve read all the books.”

“Most of the books.” He says weakly, all of his earlier confidence is disappearing.

The man’s skin feels cold beneath his hands and the blood is still coming from the bullet hole and Sackett is not moving. Caleb snaps.

“Trade places with me. I’ll do it.”

Caleb puts on fresh gloves as Sackett finds a video on YouTube because Caleb does not have time to read any of the books.

It’s gross and uncomfortable and he winces in sympathy every time he pulls a piece of fabric out of the wound but the man stays still. Sackett has his eyes closed.

“I think I got everything. There could be more but I can‘t find it. I just don’t know.”

“You did the best you can do. Certainly better than I could have. Just close it up.”

He watches another video about stitches before he tries it out. They’re sloppy and uneven but they hold. When he puts the tools down on the tray Sackett finally looks up and nods in approval. Caleb wraps a bandage tight around his body.

“Not bad, Brewster. Perhaps you missed your calling.”

“Until it gets infected from something I missed and he dies and we have a body on our hands which will be a lot harder to explain to the cops.”

Sackett stands and claps him on the shoulder. “A little optimism goes a long way.” He tosses him the blanket off the back of the couch. “Keep him warm.” He brings the tray over to the sink. The metal

rattles.

Caleb tucks the blanket around his body then he presses his fingers to the pulse point at the juncture of his jaw and neck. It’s faint, but his pulse is there. The man drops his head just slightly and presses his jaw into Caleb’s palm. It’s the first sign of life he’s shown beside the blood. Caleb is slow to move his hand away.

“He looks like an actor.”

Caleb jumps and pulls his hand back to his side. He didn’t realize Sackett had come back.

“He looks like a boy.” He wipes the dirt he picked up from the boys face on the back of his jeans. “He looks way too young for this type of thing.”

“He’s probably only a few years younger than you. Now settle in and watch him. When he wakes he’ll be confused and disoriented and in pain. I’m going to try and figure out who he is.”

Caleb waves him off. He can’t believe Sackett isn’t giving this up yet.

“I’m grabbing a beer.”

“I supposed you deserve it.” Sackett slips back into his office and Caleb takes a beer out of his fridge. He knows Sackett doesn’t drink and only keeps it stocked for Caleb, although he’d never get him to admit it.

“You didn’t see any identification on him?”

“There was no wallet in the coat. Probably didn’t match the costume.” Caleb pops off the top of the bottle on the edge of the counter and takes a long drink, finishing half of it in one go.

“Not a wallet. Any papers? A letter or anything with a signature.”

Caleb wanders back over to the couch. Their patient is still sleeping. He sits down in the armchair opposite of him and picks the coat back up.

“You should’ve hired a famous look alike. Someone I’d recognize right away, like Washington or Ben Franklin. That way you wouldn’t have to go through this whole act. It would save you a lot of time.”

“Did you find anything?” Sackett yells impatiently.

“The coat is empty.” He drops it to the floor.

“Pant pockets.”

“Oh god.” He takes another long pull from the bottle and pushes himself out of the chair. Just as he stands he sees the boy’s chest rise rapidly as he eyes fly open.

“Hey.” Caleb speaks and the boy turns his head.

He looks directly at Caleb then down at the pistol and knife that Caleb left on the table. Back up and then back down again. Caleb can see the wheels turning in his head.

“Don’t.” Caleb warns but the boy suddenly moves faster than anyone with a serious shoulder wound has a right to.

Before Caleb can move another muscle the boy is on his feet and Caleb is staring down the barrel of a loaded gun.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot plot plot plot plot plot plot.

“Calm down.” Caleb tries to keep the panic out of his voice but fails miserably. This might all be an act but the gun pointed at him is filled with some very real bullets. “Sackett, your actor is crazy.”

“He’s not an actor.” He practically skids to a stop when he gets into the living room. He’s holding an open book in both hands; his glasses are sliding down his nose. 

“What do you want with me?” The man is still looking at Caleb so he decides to answer.

“I don’t want anything with you.”

“So you’ll let me leave?”

“We can’t do that.” Sackett answers this time and he turns the gun on him. If Caleb thought he could overpower him he’d give it a try but he stays rooted in place. 

“Just let him go.”

“I can’t. We can’t just let him out there like this.” He gestures with the book towards the bandage at his shoulder. “And with that.” His gaze settles on the gun. “I have to get him back.”

“You’ll let me get back to camp?”

“That’s what I need to explain to you. Only right now I don’t know how so you’ll understand it. I barely understand it. None of this was supposed to happen.”

“How about you try it?” The man snaps and Caleb can see him apply slight pressure on the trigger. 

“What’s your name?” Caleb wants to distract him. 

“Why should I tell you?”

“Queen’s Ranger.” Sackett answers.

“What the hell is that?”

“It’s what he is.”

“No.” 

“Then who are you?” The gun is back on Caleb. He puts his hands up. “Please, put the gun down. We’re not going to hurt you. We patched you up. It was incredibly stressful and I think deserves a better thank you than this.” 

The gun doesn’t lower but his finger moves off the trigger. 

“We just want to know your name.”

He gives him a long, silent, stare. 

“You’re bleeding again. Can you at least let me change your bandage?”

He glances down at the red mark steadily seeping through the white bandage and winces like he’s just remembering that he’s injured.

“Is it starting to hurt? If you sit down, calm down, and put the gun down I can help you.”

There’s another long stare before he lowers himself down onto the couch and slowly puts the gun on the coffee table. Caleb washes his hands while Sackett stands by the door, prepared to attempt to stop him if he tries to make a run for it. When he returns with the fresh bandage the man reaches for the gun again and puts it on the couch next to him so it’s right within reach. 

“I’m Caleb. That’s Mr. Sackett.” Sackett waves from the doorway and Caleb waits a moment hoping that he’ll give him and tell him his name but his jaw just locks and his brows knit together as Caleb peels off the tape.

Changing the bandage is a simple task but he takes his time. He has him sitting down and relatively unarmed. He removes the old one and his eyes roam over his face. There’s blood slowly dripping from his nose.

“Do you want a towel to clean up? You got some blood.” Caleb starts to reach out to touch his face but he moves his head back and out of the way. Caleb’s hand drops back to his shoulder. “Your hands are covered too.”

“I don’t think that’s mine.”

“Jesus.” Caleb breathes out. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Robert Rogers.” 

Caleb looks over his head to Sackett. He nods his head like he recognizes the name. 

“He ambushed us. My whole patrol is gone. I had to kill one his men and pose as him just to get away. I almost didn’t make it. I felt the bullet hit and I was running and….that’s all I remember.” He looks around the room in confusion. “Maybe I didn’t make it.”

Caleb holds up the soiled bandage for him to see. “That’s your blood. You think that if you were dead you’d still be bleeding?”

He looks up at Caleb; eyes full of fear and worry. Caleb shifts uncomfortably. No one is that good of an actor. 

“My name is Captain Benjamin Tallmadge. It’s Ben.”

“Okay, that’s great. Ben, I’m almost done here. I think you’ll be just fine.” 

Sackett shuffles from the door and towards his office. He waits until he’s out of the room before he leans down so he’s eye level with Ben.

“Alright, Sackett’s gone; you can start telling me the truth.”

“What truth?”

“Just tell me your real now and what really happened to you?”

“I told you.”

“Sackett can’t hear you. I won’t tell him. You’ll still get paid.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He looks as confused as ever.

“Oh c’mon. I’m tired of this. Tell me who you are and we can get you real medical help.”

“You said I’d be fine.”

“Do I look like a doctor to you? Just be honest with me.” Out of frustration Caleb digs his thumb into the middle of the new bandage. Ben’s face screws up in discomfort and then Caleb is flat on his back between the couch and the table. His arms are pinned down by Ben’s hands and his knee is pressed firmly beneath his ribs. Caleb can’t move. He can barely breathe. 

“I don’t know what else you expect me to say.”

Caleb hears Sackett’s rushed footsteps enter the room.

“What did you do to him, Brewster?”

“Me?” Caleb squeaks out as Ben presses down just a bit harder. 

“He’s interrogating me like I’m a prisoner. He thinks I’m a liar.”

“Right now I think you’re crazy.” 

His knee moves further into his chest and Caleb thinks me might black out. 

“Captain, please let him up. Brewster, would you please learn to keep your mouth shut?”

“Do you believe me?” Ben asks Sackett.

“Yes, I’ve always believed you. I’m why you’re here.”

“Why am I here? Where am I?”

“I can show you. I can show the both of you if you’d let him up.”

Ben stares down at him and Caleb makes a choking sound. Ben rolls his eyes and as he eases off of him and gets to his feet. Caleb gasps and rolls to his side, curling his body around the end of the table as he tries to catch his breath and cradle his sore ribs. He watches as Sackett moves to the kitchen and return with an egg that he places in the wooden box. He presses a few buttons on the side of it. The machine rocks and beeps and then there’s one explosion, like the one that Caleb heard before, and then the egg is gone. 

Caleb squeezes his eyes shut and Ben sits down.

“That’s a good trick.” He wheezes. It’s not just the knee to his chest that’s taken his breath away. He can’t believe what he just saw.

“It would be an even better one if I could bring it back but I can’t.”

“So you’re telling me that egg is just gone. It’s….”

“Somewhere in time. I’m not sure where and I don’t know how to get it back.”

Caleb presses his head against the leg of the table. “Why do you need to get it back? You don’t need to get him back. Just shove him in there and send him on his way. It’s a one way ticket.”

“Because I don’t know where I’m sending him. I didn’t even mean to get him there. This machine is nowhere near ready. I didn’t think it would even work.” He rambles and Caleb finally sits up. Sackett is pacing and Ben looks even worse than he did when he was lying unconscious in the box.

“What happens if I send him to the wrong time and place? What if he ends up in Ancient Rome or the French country side during World War II? What if I send him to a week ago but he ends up in California instead of here with us?”

Caleb thinks that would be great. It would be someone else’s problem.

“I don’t believe this.”

“Well that makes two of us.”

“Three.” Ben says quietly. “How do I know you’re telling me the truth? How do I know you’re not just lying to me to get information out of me?”

“Look around you.” Sackett says. “Does any of this look familiar to you? Does it look like it belongs in….what year do you think this is exactly?”

“1776.”

Caleb laughs. “It’s 2015, Benny.” Ben pales and Caleb looks back and forth between him and Sackett. They honestly believe this and Sackett has never lied to him before. 

“I have to make sure I get him back to where he belongs. This man is important. The fate of the country rests with him. Or at least it did.”

All Caleb can do is drop his head into his hands and laugh. Sackett stomps his foot.

“You’ve always been crazy but this is on a new level. This is extra crazy. This is ‘you should be committed’ crazy.”

“I know it sounds unbelievable.”

“It is unbelievable.”

“Look at him.” Sackett points at Ben. He looks exhausted and devastated. Caleb actually feels bad for him. “This is real. He is real and I need your help.”

“What am I supposed to do?” 

“Take him back to your place and clean him up. Feed him and keep him comfortable. I’ll work on his. Obviously it’s more advanced that I thought it was so maybe it’ll be a quick fix.

Caleb sighs and hauls himself to his feet. He decides to resign himself to this. Fighting it hasn’t gotten him anywhere. “Fine. I give up. Tallmadge, is it?” 

That shakes Ben out of his stupor and he nods.

“You’re coming with me.” When he gets to the door he sees that Ben hasn’t moved and he snaps his fingers. “Tallboy, let’s go.”

“It’s Tallmadge.” Ben stands.

“Okay, Benny Boy.”

“Just Ben.” 

“Fine, whatever.” He waits until Ben crosses the room before he starts to open the door then he closes it. “I’m going to ask you real nicely. Please don’t make a break for it. I don’t have it in me to chase you and if you’re actually telling me the truth then I don’t think you’re ready for what you’ll see out there.”

“I won’t run.”

“Okay, good.” Caleb yanks open the door and bounds across the hallway to his own apartment in seconds. 

Ben takes his time and calmly shuts both doors behind him. He watches in amazement as Caleb lights up the room using a switch on the wall.

“How do you light the candles automatically?”

It takes Caleb a moment to realize what he really means. “It’s not candles, its light. Electricity. I actually think your pal Ben Franklin had something to do with it. You know him?”

“Not personally.” Ben flicks the switch a few times. “I haven’t met him yet. But I’ve heard a lot about him.”

“I’m sure you have. Does your shoulder hurt?” 

“A little.”

Caleb grabs a bottle of Advil and a bottle of water from the fridge. When he gives Ben the water he squeezes it a few times, not understanding the packaging. Caleb ignores it and pops off the top of the Advil then shakes out two pills into Ben’s palm. Ben stares down at them. 

“It’s medicine. You swallow it and it’ll help the pain to go away.”

Ben doesn’t look like he’s buying it so Caleb empties out two more and pops them in his mouth. Then he takes the bottle of water back and takes a drink. 

“See. It’s not poison. Take it.” 

Ben tentatively puts them in his mouth followed by the water. “When does it start working?”

“Give it sometime. Come on, you’re taking a shower. I’ll bring you something clean to wear, you’re filthy and I don’t want you touching my furniture.”

Ben eyes the worn arm on the couch. “I can see you have the finest taste.” 

Caleb shoots him a look over his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, that was rude.”

“Don’t apologize. That was funny. That was the most I’ve liked you since you pointed a gun at me.”

“I’m sorry about that as well.” 

Caleb steps into the bathroom and Ben follows. It’s cramped and he has to reach around Ben to grab a towel out of the closet. 

“I’m afraid I overreacted.”

“You think? Just don’t let it happen again. Hopefully this will all be over soon. Now take a shower.”

Caleb has to brush past him again to get out and Ben grabs his elbow.

“Caleb.” Their height difference means it’s said right in his ear. When Caleb looks up he notices that Ben’s eyes are incredibly blue. “How do I use this?”

Caleb steps out of his grasp, slides the shower curtain back, and turns the knob. Ben looks at the falling water like it’s the most amazing think he’s ever seen. 

“That’s….”

“That’s indoor plumbing.” Caleb says like it’s no big deal. He twists the knob to the left and right. “That’s hot and that’s cold. If you stay in here longer than six and a half minutes it’s going to get cold so don’t stand around. Here’s the shampoo, for your hair, and soap. You got your towel. I’ll leave your new clothes on the top of the toilet seat. Leave your bandage on and try not to get it wet. That’s important. I’ll be in the kitchen so call if you need me but please don’t need me.” He adds quickly before he slips out. It’s easier to breath in the hallway. 

He hears the water start as he’s digging through his drawers for something that will fit him. When he drops them off he can just make out the outline of his body through the shower curtain. He tries not to linger. 

Instead he starts up his laptop and Googles him. The article says he was born in 1754 which would make him twenty two in 1776. He was born on Long Island, went to Yale, was friends with Nathan Hale and was a school teacher before he joined the local militia. 

He has just started to read about The Cupler Spy Ring when Ben steps back into the room. He’s barefoot, clean, and shirtless. The sweatpants Caleb grabbed for him are low on his hips and end right above his ankles. His hair is still damp. It’s a look. If he didn’t have a gun pointed at him twenty minutes earlier Caleb would be 100% into it. But that incident knocked it down to 95%. 

“You didn’t give me a shirt.”

Caleb’s eyes widen. He can’t believe he forgot that. 

“I have to change your bandage. Sit.” He points to the couch and is impressed with how fast he covered for himself. “Sackett said that if we keep it clean and dry you should be alright.”

“Well then let’s do that.” 

Ben is must more relaxed this time around. He’s not carrying as much tension in his shoulders and Caleb doesn’t know if it’s from the shower he just took or if he’s starting to trust him.

“I assume the war is over.” Ben says as Caleb is finishing up. 

“The Revolution? It’s been over for over two hundred years.”

“Who won?”

“Do I sound British to you?”

“Not really.” 

Caleb secures the edge of the bandage with extra tape and holds him by the shoulders to get his attention. “This is the United States Of America, Benny Boy. You did your job.”

The smile that spreads across his face is beautiful and Caleb can feel himself answering it with his own, completely caught up in the moment. 

“How did we win? How long did it last? What year? Washington survived, didn’t he? Did France get involved?”

“Washington became the first President. He’s on the dollar and the quarter.”

“He’s on your currency?”

“Some of it.”

“There’s more? Who’s on that? How does that work?”

Caleb takes a deep breath. It’s going to take him too long to answer all of these questions. He doesn’t even know the answers to most of them. He’d be up all night looking them up for him and all he wants to do is sleep. 

“Do you like to read?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sackett ships it, by the way.

Caleb makes him swear he won’t take off again then heads over to Sackett’s.

Different parts of the machine are spread out over the couch, coffee table, and floor. 

“I need some books.”

“I’m a little busy at the moment.”

“Captain America over there has a hundred questions that I don’t know the answers to and I know he’s going to have more as soon as I turn on the TV.”

“I’m concerned about him knowing too much.” Sackett says distractedly as he tightens and loosens a bolt. “I don’t want to overwhelm him.”

“He doesn’t seem like the type that will be okay with not getting the answers that he wants and since he’s going to be staying with me I’m the one that he’s going to murder. Just give me everything you have between 1776 and now.”

“Oh, is that all?” He asks sarcastically. “Why don’t you just use the internet?”

“The man asked me how to use the shower. I’m not ready to explain to him how a computer works. Even though a part of me still thinks he’s faking it.”

“For a moment there I thought you came to your senses and finally accepted the truth.”

“He’s probably on Facebook.”

Sackett sighs. “You can have the books but it’s important that you tell him when he goes back he can’t do anything to change it. Everything has to happen the way it happened in those books. Just as it always has. He can’t change history, he can only live it.”

“Sure, sure, I’ll warn him.” Caleb waves him off as Sackett goes to his office. Caleb looks over the machine parts around the room, poking at a few of them. One falls off the table and rolls across the floor. He hurries to pick it up and put it right back where he found it so Sackett doesn’t know what happened. “Do you plan on chipping in any cash for this? This looks like it’s going to take some time and I don’t think he wants to wear the same pair of pants that barely fit him the whole time. There’s also the extra food and water that I’ll have to pay for.”

He returns from his office holding a stack of books that he has to secure beneath his chin. “I’m sure you can afford it.” He dumps the books into Caleb’s arms then eyes the hole at the hem of his t-shirt and the tear in his jeans. “It’s not as though you’re spending it on yourself.” 

Caleb rolls his eyes. He’s met his limit for insults. 

He slides the books across his kitchen table in front of Ben who looks overwhelmed for a moment before he cracks one open. Caleb retreats back into his room to grab a shirt for him. He thinks seriously about grabbing a bright red on just to see his reaction but settles on blue instead. He drops it on top of the page he’s reading and laughs at the annoyed face his makes.

“You hungry?” He opens the fridge door and looks inside. There’s three week old Chinese, a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, and six bottles of beer. “I don’t have much. You kind of caught me between shopping trips- not that that’s your fault. It’s all Sackett’s fault and it continues to be his fault. I could go over there and see what he has. I’m pretty sure I could out run him if he gives chase.” 

When he looks over his shoulder Ben is struggling to get the shirt over his head, heavily favoring his right arm.

“You’re not so nimble when you’re not trying to kill me, are ya?”

“Do you mind helping me?” His voice is muffled beneath the fabric of his shirt and Caleb helps him ease his arm through the opening. The back of his hand grazes Ben’s side as he pulls the shirt down his body. Ben doesn’t seem to notice or care but Caleb flexes his hand a few times. 

Ben reads, flipping through the pages quickly, as Caleb toasts some bread. He puts six pieces on the table with butter and jam. He eats and reads silently and Caleb feels like he’s interrupting him just by being in the kitchen so he grabs a beer and moves to the living room. He’s about to turn on the TV but remembers what Sackett said about not wanting to overwhelm him and decides to leave it off. Instead lies back and stares at the ceiling and listens to Ben turning pages in the kitchen.

He doesn’t remember starting to drift off but he hears Ben bang his fist against the table and sits straight up. He dangles his arm over the back of the couch and twists his body so he can see.

“What’s the matter?”

“Arnold.”

Caleb narrows his eyes. “What? Who are you….Benedict Arnold?”

“Yes. That bastard.”

“Oh my god.” He rubs his hands over his eyes and lies back on the couch. 

“That traitor. Did you know about this?”

“Yes. Everyone knows about it.”

“I don’t think Washington does. I know I didn’t.”

“It hasn’t happened yet.” Caleb pops back up and points a finger at Ben. “And you can’t do anything about it either. Sackett was very clear about that. He wanted me to warn you. You can’t change anything no matter how much you might want to. That’s apparently very important.”

“So I’m just supposed to play dumb?”

“Yes. It all works out in the end so you don’t need to worry about it. I’m sure George will get over it.” He stands and grabs the unopened bottle of beer to put back in the fridge. “I’m going to bed. I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket for the couch. It’s not the most comfortable thing in the world but…”

“I’m sure I’ve slept on worse.” Ben looks up from the page. “Thank you.” 

Caleb nods and walks away but stops when he hears the chair move across the floor and Ben standing up. 

“Caleb, I mean it. Thank you for everything. I know that this is going to sound odd but this is the best I’ve felt in a long time.”

“You’ve been shot and you’re 239 years removed from your time.”

“I know. But I’ve been fed, I’m cleaner than I can ever remember being, my wound is stitched up taken care of, I’m not under any kind of attack or threat- that I know of, and I have a place to sleep. That’s all thanks to you. You didn’t have to do any of it. If I can ever do anything to repay all that you’ve done for me don’t hesitate to ask.”

Caleb files that away, nods, and then wishes him goodnight.

When he comes back out with the pillow and blankets Ben doesn’t look up from his books.

Caleb calls out of work the next morning. He puts on his best ‘I have a cold’ voice and calls his boss while he’s still lying in bed. He doesn’t hear any movement from Ben outside so he rolls over and sleeps for another hour. 

When he finally gets up he finds Ben face down in an open book still sitting at the table. The pillow is still on top of the folded blanket on the couch. 

He gently shakes his good shoulder to wake him and he’s up instantly- groaning and rubbing his hand over his neck as he sits up. 

“You know how I said last night that this is the best I’ve felt in awhile?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s ended.”

Caleb laughs and hands him the bottle of Advil. 

“Why didn’t you move to the couch?”

“I fell asleep before I could.” Ben swallows the pills and pushes the books away. “I finished these.”

“You read all of those?”

“I’m a quick study. The world is an amazing place. From what I can understand there are still a lot of problems but slavery is over, women can vote and modern medicine…” He shakes the Advil bottle. “The ways people can travel now is just….you can go anywhere in the world and turn around and go back home again. Communication is so developed now. You can talk to anyone in the world. The industrial revolution changed everything. Television.” He stands and points to the TV. “Can we watch? Do you have movies? The book mentioned The Wizard of Oz.”

“Why don’t you slow down? I can’t believe you read all these.”

“There was a lot to learn. There still is. I’ll admit to skimming through some of the parts.”

“It doesn’t sound like it. Do you want coffee? I’m going across the hall to steal some food. Sackett is usually on a walk about this time.” 

Ben takes a mug from Caleb and drinks the coffee black.

Sackett’s apartment is still a mess of machine parts. It’s worse than it was before and Caleb has to step over several bigger pieces on his way to the fridge. He grabs bacon, eggs, and orange juice and picks up and puts down a pint of strawberries half a dozen times trying to figure out if he’s over doing it before he finally tucks them under his arm with the rest of it. Ben ends up eating almost all of them himself so Caleb’s glad he brought them over. 

“Do you have a job you need to be at?” Ben asks as he dips a strip of bacon into maple syrup. 

“I do but I decided to play hooky today.” 

“What’s that? I like orange juice, by the way.” He takes a sip and puts the glass down. Caleb smiles. If he didn’t think that it would seriously offend him he’d set him up with Urban Dictionary.

“It’s when you say you can’t come in because you’re sick but you’re really not.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I figured someone had to stay and watch you.”

“I’m not a child. I’d be fine.”

“I’m not leaving you alone in my apartment when you don’t have a solid understanding of how the stove or microwave works. I know I don’t have the nicest apartment but I don’t want it to burn down and there are far too many ways to start a fire now.”

“I suppose that’s fair. What do you do?”

“Run boats back and forth across the sound. You know, for tourists. Talk about the wildlife; seals, birds, sharks, whales. Not so much the sharks and whales but the idea is a big draw for people.”

“Do you like it?”

Caleb shrugs. “It’s alright. I like being out there. Pay’s okay.” He almost tells him about the hacking. He read all those books so he’d probably understand it but he doesn’t know how he’d react to him doing something illegal. 

When they go back across the hall to grab more books (he still has a lot of questions about modern technology) Sackett is back to work on the machine.

“You stole my food.”

“I had to.” Caleb pushes Ben towards the office and Sackett tells him to take what he likes. “He needed a full breakfast. He had a long journey and all I had is leftovers.”

“Go to the store, for god sake.”

“I can’t, I have to look after him.”

“He’s not a child.”

“I’m not a child.” They say at the same time.

“If it makes you feel better he can stay here. Maybe he can help.”

“He read all those books in one night and he went to Yale.” Caleb whispers. “He’s smart.”

“Well that will be refreshing.”

Caleb gives him the finger as he leaves and Sackett laughs.

There’s a store around the corner Caleb runs to. He picks up an extra toothbrush, deodorant, and a razor. He doesn’t know what kind of food Ben is used to eating so he just grabs what he likes plus a bag of apples and bananas just so Sackett won’t yell at him for only feeding him Doritos, beer, and frozen pizza. 

Buying him extra clothes is the hardest part. Caleb barely knows what size he is never mind someone he just met.

He wanders around the men’s department until an associate ask him if he need help. He immediately declines because how is he supposed to explain that he needs something for someone that’s taller but also a bit smaller and was born in 1776.

So he grabs a few different sizes with the intent of returning whatever doesn’t fit.

Sackett and Ben are deep in machine parts and conversation about the war and Washington when he gets back so he leaves them to it. He watches the news, naps, and does a little side work. Then he Googles Ben. He can’t help it.

He ends up being a Colonel, something he’s sure will thrill him, and survives the war to live a long life in Connecticut with his wife and children. 

The last bit makes him uneasy so he stops reading and closes the laptop.

He goes over to Sackett’s around seven in a pizza he picked up from his favorite pizza place. 

“I told you to go shopping.” Sackett scolds as he flips open the box.

“You’re welcome, by the way, and I did, but I’m not shopping and cooking on the same day. It’s hot, don’t burn yourself, Tallboy.”

“It’s Tallmadge.”

“You shouldn’t eat too much, either.” Sackett warns. “You’re not used to it. You don’t want to get sick.”

“I don’t want to be holding your hair back as you puke your guts out.”

He heeds their warnings but still ends up eating five slices. He puts on a brave face until they get back to Caleb’s and he leaves him with a bottle of Pepto, a garbage can next to the couch, and instructions to sleep on his side. 

He’s fine in the morning and after breakfast and Caleb demonstrating how to use a modern razor he goes to work.

Ben spends the day with Sackett who tries to fill in the gaps that the books left while they work on the machine. 

Ben seems to like his time with Sackett. When he comes back to Caleb for dinner there’s always a new bit of information about penicillin or the polio vaccine, cars, or the space race that he learned from Sackett that he excitedly passes on. Caleb usually already knows it but he indulges him with a smile. He’s happy he’s learning. He’s happy he’s happy. 

He comes home early a week and a half after Ben shows up because of a storm blowing across the sound. He stops in at Sackett’s hoping to get the history lesson first hand so he doesn’t have to pretend to nod through it later. 

Sackett is reading the newspaper on the couch. His feet are up on the coffee table and the TV is on. 

“Where’s Ben?”

“Down at the store.” He doesn’t even bother to look up from the paper.

“What?”

Sackett folds the paper down. “He’s down at the store.”

“By himself?” Caleb panics and Sackett flips the paper back up.

“Yes.”

“You…how could you let that happen? He’s by himself?”

“How could I let it happen? I gave him some money and sent him on his way. He does it all the time.”

“Oh my god.”

“He’s a grown man, Brewster. He’s fine. I taught him about stranger danger and everything.” He jokes but Caleb doesn’t find it funny. “He does it all the time.”

“Oh my god.”

“Why are you so upset?”

“What if he gets lost?”

“This man traversed New England on horseback using hand drawn maps. I think he can handle a city block.”

“What if he takes off?”

“He’s not going to do that. He has nowhere to go. I don’t think he wants to be anywhere else. He’ll come back. He always does.”

Caleb paces.

“Stop being such a mother hen. He gets bored cooped up in here all day. He can only reread the same books so many times. I can’t keep him caged up like an animal.”

“You should go with him to make sure he’s okay.”

“I don’t think he needs me to hold his hand.”

“What if someone asks him a question anyone would know the answer to and he doesn’t?”

“Then they’ll obviously assume he’s from the past and call the Feds. Nothing would happen. You know you’re acting awfully protective of a man that you didn’t even want here.”

“I’m just trying to look out for him is all. I’d like to get him back to his time in one piece.”

“Just admit it, you like him.”

“I….don’t.” Caleb finishes lamely.

“You like having a roommate.”

That’s a more tolerable accusation but he still doesn’t want to take it. 

“I’m going to find him.”

He has his hand on the doorknob when it swings open and Ben walks in. He pulls the hood of his sweatshirt off. His shoulders are damp with rain.

“Caleb.” He’s so cheery. It’s infuriating. “Good thing you’re home. We’ve been watching the storm on the news all morning. I was worried it would get too rough out there and you’d fall in.” He and Sackett laugh as Ben tosses him a Three Musketeers bar. He holds a Snickers out to Caleb. He doesn’t know how Ben knows that it’s his favorite. “Do you want it?”

Caleb rolls his eyes and leaves without it. He feels like an idiot for caring so much.

Dinner that night is quiet. Ben seems to sense his mood and doesn’t try to force a conversation, he just lets him brood. 

He tries and succeeds in smoothing things over when he presents Caleb with a bowl of ice cream with the Snickers bar chopped up on top. He doesn’t want to take it at first but Ben shakes the bowl and makes a pathetically endearing whimpering sound and Caleb grabs the bowl. 

Ben sits down next to him with his feet on the couch just inches away from Caleb’s thigh.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying having him as a roommate. Most of the people that he knows have a roommate. Plus Ben is easy to get along with. He finally accepts the nicknames. Conversation is easy and fun and Caleb lives for saying and doing things that make Ben roll his eyes and Ben is happy to dish it right back. 

They’re both making the best out of an unusual situation. They’re friends. There’s nothing wrong with them being friends. 

Except.

Caleb can feel this sliding into something else. Something deeper. Something so incredibly stupid.

That uneasy feeling he got when he read about his future-past wife and kids was jealousy. It’s the same feeling he gets when Ben talks about how knowledgeable Sackett is while Caleb is making dinner. 

He comes home late one night and Ben is already asleep on the couch. He accidentally left the window open so the apartment is cool and he’s kicked his blanket off. Caleb picks it up and drapes it back over him then he reaches out and brushes a lock of hair off his forehead and Caleb is so angry with himself. It takes him hours to fall asleep because he’s mentally berating himself for that mistake but also because he can’t stop thinking about how soft his hair was.

He notices how good he looks in modern clothes too often.

Ben has learned how to make coffee for him in the morning and every time he takes the travel mug from him he thinks about leaning in and pressing a kiss to his cheek or forehead or lips. 

He can’t shake it. 

He comes home one day to Ben cooking in his kitchen. 

It’s….interesting. 

Caleb has been in charge of that every night. Ben’s got quite the appetite and he didn’t let the pizza incident slow him down. He loves Chinese food, Caleb’s mother’s recipe for lasagna, and tacos. He’s sure that if Ben had it his way he’d have ice cream for every meal and drink hot chocolate like it was water. 

He’s flipping something in a pan with his back to the door wearing a long sleeved, grey t-shirt and a pair of jeans that Caleb bought him. They fit him well. 

“You’re cooking?”

Ben adjusts the heat and looks over his shoulder at him, not willing to take his attention fully off the pan.

“Grilled cheese. Mr. Sackett said it was something I could handle and everyone likes it.”

Caleb kicks off his shoes by the door and steps towards him. 

“You’ve been doing all the work and men in this time are expected to cook for themselves. Don’t expect much, I’ve never done this before.”

Caleb peers around him. The sandwiches look perfect; golden brown and perfectly melted. Almost annoyingly perfect. He wouldn’t expect anything less from him.

“Those look great.” 

Ben’s smile is wide.

“You sure you’ve never done this before?”

He shakes his head. “No. My mother cooked and when she passed my father hired a cook and there are cooks at camp. Whenever I’ve needed food it’s just been there. I do have to admit that I went through the whole loaf of bread before I got the hang of it. There was a lot of burning and smoke. Don’t look in the garbage. You need more cheese too.”

Caleb doesn’t say anything and Ben’s smile fades. “It is okay that I did this, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just not used to people cooking for me.”

“You never had a…girlfriend, you call it now?”

Caleb laughs a hilarious, tragic kind of laugh. Ben laughs too even though he has no idea why it’s funny.

“No.” Caleb says simply. “No girlfriend.”

“Well, me neither.”

“I find it hard to believe the ladies aren’t lining up for a chance with a Yale man.”

“You can believe it.” He brushes bright red and focuses on the sandwich in the pan.

Caleb almost tells him that it does happen; the wife and the kids, and the book he writes, and the long life he lives. It’s possible he already knows. He never asked Sackett if he told him about it. He didn’t want to know if he had. He wishes he didn’t know. So he changes the subject. 

“Where is Sackett? I’m surprised he’s not over here micromanaging you.”

“He said he had a dinner to get to with some old colleagues in the city.”

“Fancy.” Caleb says as he grabs two plates out of the fridge. 

“He didn’t sound like he was looking forward to it. Apparently all they do is brag about their accomplishments. He said I’m his biggest accomplishment and he can’t even say anything about me.”

“Can’t blame him, I’d want to brag about you too.”

Ben raises his eyebrows and this time he’s Caleb’s turn to blush. 

They talk about their day as they eat. Caleb talks about the child who almost fell overboard because his parents weren’t watching him and Ben fills him in on the progress on the machine. Sackett still doesn’t seem to be any closer to getting it done. Ben doesn’t sound too disappointed and Caleb makes a noncommittal noise because he’s not disappointed either. A lot has changed in the three weeks since Ben showed up. 

Caleb eats two sandwiches and Ben eats three. Caleb shakes his head and doesn’t know where he puts it. 

There’s also four and a half empty beer bottles on the table between them and after they’re done eating Caleb helps him with the dishes. 

They stand side by side at the sink; the soft cotton of Ben’s sleeve brushes against the exposed skin on Caleb’s arm as he passes Ben a dish to dry.

“You know you could just stay at Sackett’s. I’m sure he wouldn’t have a problem with it and his couch is more comfortable. You could probably fit a futon in the office.”

“Why would I do that?”

“You spend so much time there.”

“Exactly. Mr. Sackett has taught me a lot but he can be a little….”

“Neurotic.”

“Yes.” Ben laughs. “I like it here. With you.” He says quietly and shifts his weight slightly into Caleb’s side. 

Caleb isn’t drunk- nowhere close to it and even though he suspects Ben is a bit of a lightweight his eyes are way too clear and focused on his own. They’re both just simmering with alcohol and attraction. But the latter might just be in Caleb’s head.

He puts some space between them but the feeling doesn’t fade. He can only focus on the hem of Ben’s jeans and the dark, wet, spot on his sleeve where Caleb accidentally splashed him with water and the slight raise in fabric on his shoulder where the bandage is. He thinks about what Sackett said about him being bored. 

Ben is waiting for him to say something. 

Caleb speaks without thinking.

“Do you want to go on a trip with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back and forth a lot trying to figure out if I should mention Ben's future family. I think ultimately I'm glad I did. Let me know what you think.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where Caleb constantly put his foot in his mouth, we meet a new-old friend and if you'll read the end notes you'll find out why I gave the middle finger to Yale.
> 
> Also, I have a very good idea about how this one will end so that means I can start thinking about my next fic. Except I have no idea what to write. So if you have any requests or prompts about what you want to see out of these two I'd love to take it on. Let me know here or on my tumblr- same name- and I'd be happy to work on it for you. Everyone in this tiny fandom is so talented and this is all I can offer.

“You yelled at me for letting him go around the corner on his own but you get to take him on a romantic weekend getaway?” Sackett puts the morning paper down on his kitchen table and gapes at him. 

“I’ll be with him the whole time and it is absolutely not a romantic weekend getaway. It’s a road trip.”

Sackett rolls his eyes and stands to place his empty cereal bowl in the sink.

“It’s just a friendly thing. No romance. Absolutely none.” He draws a firm line with his hand. “We’re roommates. You’re the one that said he was bored.”

“I didn’t know that was so important to you.”

“It’s not. It’s just….with all that he’s been through doesn’t he deserve to have some real fun? I think he’ll have fun. Maybe it’ll be better with us gone for a few days. There won’t be anything to distract you from this.” He kicks at the machine and Sackett shakes his head. 

“Don’t touch.”

“How is this going, by the way?”

“About the same. It’s starting to get frustrating. I keep running test after test but they all fail.”

“Keep testing it. Don’t stick in him there until you’re sure it’ll work. I mean it.”

“A lot seems to have changed since he got here. I think I remember you telling me to shove him in there and that you didn’t care what happens to him.”

Caleb sticks his hands in his pockets. “He’s….” He bounces on the balls of his feet. “We’re friends.”

Sackett smiles and gestures to the space between them. “I think we’re friends.” He ignores Caleb when he waves his hand back and forth. “I have never once seen you look at me like that. Thank god, by the way.”

“I don’t look at him like anything.”

“I swear the only one denser than you is him.”

“That’s comforting.” Caleb jerks his thumb over his shoulder to the door. “I’m gonna go pack.”

“Have fun.” 

He stops by the door and turns. “It doesn’t matter anyways. Even if I felt something, and I’m definitely not saying that I do, this is just hypothetical, I’m sure he wouldn’t be into it.”

Sackett doesn’t look up from the part he has started to work on. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

Caleb waits for him to explain but it’s obvious that he’s just going to leave him hanging without further prompting. 

He gives in. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I have seen the way he looks at you when you’re not looking. It’s the same way you look at him. The problem is that neither one of you look at each other at the same time.”

“That can’t be true.” He catches himself whispering even though Ben is two doors away. “You know how his life goes after the war.”

“None of that has happened yet.”

“But it will.”

Sackett shrugs. “I’m only telling you what I can see. The heart wants what the heart wants. Although I have doubts that it’s your hearts that either of you are thinking with right now.”

Caleb shakes his head and leaves. He can still hear Sackett laughing when he shuts the door across the hall. 

There is only going to be two bags between them but Caleb still needs to clean out the trunk of his car. It’s filled with an accidental but impressive collection of empty water bottles. 

He’s leaning in and shoving the bottles into a trash bag when he hears his name.

“Caleb.” 

He turns around and comes face to face with Anna Strong. She’s juggling two bags of groceries and Caleb takes one, dropping his own bag at his feet. A bottle falls out and rolls against the curb.

“Oh thank god. I haven’t seen you at the bar in weeks. I was afraid you had died.”

“Still alive.”

“What have you been doing?”

Ben picks that moment to barrel out of the front door carrying both of their bags. 

“I got all the stuff. I think.” He drops the bags on the street in front of Caleb. Anna’s eyebrows shoot up. “Jackets. I forgot my jacket. Do you want me to grab yours?”

Anna’s smile is so wide Caleb is sure her face will ache all day. 

“Ben, this is Anna. She owns a bar not too far from here.”

Ben- _honest to god_ \- bows as he says “It’s very nice to meet you”. 

Anna loves it. 

“Do you need help with that?” He points to the bag in her arm but Anna shakes her head.

“Don’t worry. It’s not heavy and my car is just around the corner. Are you two going away for the weekend?”

“No.” Caleb says at the same time Ben says “Yes”.

He ignores Caleb. “We’re going to New Haven then up to Boston.”

“What’s in New Haven?”

“Yale. I graduated from there and Caleb thought it would be fun to go back.”

“I’m sure you’ll both have a lot of fun.” She’s still smiling as she swings her shoulders against Caleb’s. 

“I should go grab those jackets so we can get going. It was very nice to meet you.”

“You too.” 

Anna waits until Ben has the door open to the building before she speaks. 

“Now I know what you’ve been doing. He’s cute.”

“It’s not like that.” He feels like he’s had this conversation before. 

She leans around to catch a glimpse of Ben walking up the stairs. “Very, very, cute. And polite. And smart. Yale? Come on. He is nothing like your type which means he’s probably perfect for you. Where did you meet him?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you and it’s really not like that.”

“Is he who you’ve been spending all your time with? Are you going away with him? Is he up in your apartment getting his jacket and your jacket?”

“Yes.”

“Then it’s what it looks like. I’m really happy for you.”

“He’s really just a friend.”

“Please, I’m your friend and we never do that kind of thing. I asked you to help me move in freshman year and you said no. It was thirty minutes away and you said it was too far to be cramped up in a tiny space with another person.”

“I just didn’t want to help you move.”

She elbows him. 

“Don’t you have a bar to run?” He dumps the bag into her arms. 

She laughs as she repositions them. “I mean it. I’m happy for you. You look good. And you know I think he looks good.”

“Goodbye Anna.”

They’re almost to the Connecticut line when Caleb bangs his hand on the wheel. 

“Sackett’s nephew.”

“What?”

“Sackett’s nephew.” He says again. “I should’ve told Anna you were Sackett’s nephew.”

“Mr. Sackett doesn’t have a nephew.”

“Anna doesn’t know that. Dammit.”

“Why didn’t you just tell her the truth?”

“Ha. No way. I still have trouble believing it sometimes.”

“Then what’s wrong with her thinking we’re friends?”

“Because she didn’t think we’re friends.”

“What did she think?”

Caleb shifts in the seat. “She thought that we were….together. You know….together. Like that. Together.” It’s the single more awkward and stunted conversation he’s ever had and Ben staring at him like he has two heads doesn’t make him feel any better. “She thinks that we’re sleeping together.”

“She thinks we’re having sex.”

“Oh god.” Caleb grips the steering wheel tighter and stares straight ahead. “Yes.”

Ben is quiet for several miles and Caleb doesn’t even have the courage to look at him.

“Did you and Anna date?”

“What? No. Never. I’ve known her since we were kids. She’s like a sister to me. Why would you ask that?’

“I’m just trying to figure out why it would bother you.”

“It doesn’t bother me. I was worried it would bother you.”

“It’s hardly a new concept.”

“I know that. It doesn’t make you uncomfortable?”

“Should it?”

“No.” He answers forcefully and hazards a glance towards Ben. He’s sitting with his body turned toward him. “It’s just that historically speaking…”

“I’m more than what you’ve read in books, Caleb.”

“Sure.” 

“There’s still more to learn about me.” He straightens his body out so he’s facing forward and ends the conversation. 

Caleb’s not sure what just happened. 

Yale looks nothing like how Ben remembers it. He manages to put on a smile that Caleb almost believes. 

He looks up at the statue of Nathan Hale for a full minute before he speaks.

“You don’t think I could talk Sackett into letting me go back to before this happened so I could warn him, do you?”

“Probably not. I mean, if it were up to me, sure. I’d say go for it. End the war in a month for all I care but Sackett is the one that knows how to run the machine and I don’t think he’d go for it.”

“I guess that’s for the best then. I can’t change the future so I shouldn’t be able to change the past.”

Caleb starts to think that maybe this trip was a bad idea. 

He buys him a Yale sweatshirt. 

He takes the one he’s wearing off, tosses it in the backseat, and pulls the new one on.

Caleb claps him on the shoulder.

“You fit right in, Tallboy.”

His smile is real this time.

They find an empty table in the library, it’s one of the only things that Ben actually recognizes, and Caleb watches him as he carefully turns the pages of a book that looks like it’ll fall apart at any moment. 

Caleb is hooked up to the wifi but he’s paying more attention to Ben than to his phone.

Ben’s left sleeve is pushed up to his elbow and his hair falls into his face as he leans over the book. He uses his right hand to push it back. He bites his lip when he reads and when it slides out form his teeth it’s wet and bright red. His eyes are trained down at the page, moving back and forth. Suddenly they look up into Caleb’s. He’s been caught staring. He thinks about what Sackett said about how they’ve never looked at each other at the same time. How that was their problem. How that’s suddenly ended and how he’s not ready for it to be right now. 

Ben stands and Caleb is on his feet just as fast. 

“Follow me.” He grabs a hold of Caleb’s wrist as he hauls him up the stairs and past rows and rows of books.

The number of students milling around drops off drastically the further they move into the library and by the time Ben turns down the last row of books they’re completely alone. 

Caleb feels on edge. 

The last time he was in a situation like this was with his high school ex who pressed him against the shelves and kissed him until he couldn’t breathe. 

Ben lets go of his wrist and drops to his knees. 

“Ummm.” Caleb panics and takes a step back because yeah, he’s thought about this (he’s not proud of it) but he never expected it to be like this. 

Ben doesn’t notice because he’s focused on running his fingers along the molding between the bottom of the shelf and the floor. A piece pops out and he reaches in, digs around a bit, then pulls out a scrap of paper and sits back on his heels. Caleb kneels down as Ben unfolds it. 

“I can’t believe this is still here.” Ben mumbles.

The paper looks just as old as the one in the book they left downstairs. The ink is faded but the handwritten script still looks beautiful and elegant.

“We had this professor that was crazy. The whole class was failing. Nothing that was on the tests was taught in class so we had to do something. One night I picked the lock on his office door, slipped in, found the answer key, and….” He waves the paper looking proud. Caleb is shocked.

“You cheated?”

“I had to. I wrote down the answers and stuck it up here so others could use it but no one would ever get caught with it.”

“I can’t believe you cheated.”

“Oh, like you never.” 

“No, I definitely did. I just thought you were better than that.” He jokes. “I guess I do have a lot to learn about you.”

“Told you.” He says as he folds the paper back up and starts to put it back in the molding. Caleb grabs a hold of his elbow.

“You’re going to put it back? Don’t you think the university would want it?’

“Why? It’s the answers to a test on material that is incredibly outdated.”

“It’s history. You wrote it.”

“There’s no way to prove that.”

“They can do handwriting analysis. Hell, sign your name on it now.”

“No one is going to care it’s from me.”

“You’re important.”

Ben shrugs and shakes his head. “In the grand scheme of things…”

Caleb surges forward and covers Ben’s hands with his own. He can feel his pulse. “In the grand scheme of things you are important.”

“It’s best that it goes back. I don’t want it ruining my reputation. Our little secret.”

“Sure.”

Caleb is good at keeping those.

They order pizza to go and eat in on a park bench a few blocks away. Ben wants to be outside and even though it’s cold and windy Caleb’s happy to sit next to him.

“Aren’t I buried around here?”

Caleb chokes on his slice and looks around to make sure no one has overheard them. The park is almost empty except for a few students who are rushing to class, stressed out and reading notes for their finals and a few people walking their dogs. 

“I think so. Maybe.”

“Huh.” He tosses the box into the garbage next to the bench. Caleb still has a few bites left. “I’m going to take a walk. I’ll be right back.”

Caleb watches him go and hopes he doesn’t bring it up again. 

Ben doesn’t make it far. He befriends an older couple’s golden retriever and Caleb watches him throws the ball to it for forty five minutes. He comes back to him with his face flushed from the cold and pulling his sleeves down so they cover his hands. The dog bounds up beside him and drops the ball at Caleb’s feet. Ben strokes the fur on the top of his head.

“We should get a dog.”

Caleb laughs. If he wanted to be mean he’s point out that there is no ‘we’. But Ben just looks so happy like this.

“I don’t think my building allows them.”

He almost says ‘but I could move’ but Ben has already turned away with the dog following him. He drops it off with his owners, who probably wish him luck on his finals, and comes back to Caleb.

He stands in front of him with his hands tucked into the pocket of the sweatshirt.

“So. Are we going?”

“Where?”

Ben tips his head to the side and Caleb sighs.

Litchfield is about an hour away and every minute that passes makes Caleb feel more and more uneasy about it. Ben looks fine. He’s completely comfortable in the passenger seat at Caleb drives him to his grave site. 

When he stops the car Ben is out like a shot.

Caleb groans and follows him.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Ben is already a half of a dozen paces ahead of him.

“Yes, why not?”

“It’s morbid, isn’t it? It’s weird. I wouldn’t want to see my own grave.”

Ben keeps walking. He’s following a map that he picked up at the front gate. His fingers trace the line they’re supposed to be following.

“ Sackett was right; I shouldn’t have given you all those books. This isn’t something anyone is supposed to see. Plus, it’s getting dark.” He looks nervously around. “And we’re just wandering around in a cemetery. It’s creepy.”

“Are you afraid of ghosts?” Ben smiles at him over his shoulder.

“No. I guess technically I’m talking to one right now.”

“And am I scary.”

_Yes. Terrifying._

“No.”

That seems to settle it and Caleb spends the next ten minutes following Ben around. He’s about to make another case for leaving when Ben stops and drops his hands to his sides. The map crinkles in his fingers. 

It’s a stone monument; worn from the years but the engraving is still clear. They both stand in front of it staring. 

“It’s nice.” Caleb says weakly. “It’s the biggest one around here.” He points to the American flag that’s stuck in the ground next to it. “That’s a nice touch.”

“Am I in there?”

“I don’t know.”

“If I looked inside would I be in there? Is it empty?”

“I have no idea. I don’t know how this works.”

“I’m standing here. How could I be in there?”

“I don’t know, Ben. We could ask Sackett what he thinks when we get back. I could call him now.”

Ben shakes his head. “It’s fine. We can go now; I know you don’t want to be here. I just thought I wanted to see it.” He sounds a little hollow and Caleb aches. He wants to slide his arm around his shoulder and his waist so he can pull him in close. He wants to tell him that it doesn’t matter. His heart is beating and he’s breathing and that grave means nothing. That’s someone else. He wants to feel that heartbeat against his.

Instead he awkwardly knocks his hand into Ben’s arm and points to the dates on the stone.

“It’s a nice, long life. That should make you feel better.”

It doesn’t. Ben sticks the map in his back pocket and starts back to the car.

The silence on the ride to Massachusetts is heavy and thick. Caleb turns the radio on low just to help fill it. He sets the GPS to take them on the back roads because he thinks that it’ll give Ben more to see but he doesn’t seem to care. He crosses and uncrosses his arms a half a dozen times in a row and stretches his legs out against the floor of the car. His mouth is set in a thin line with his eyebrows drawn together. 

Caleb thinks about turning the car around and heading back to Long Island. This trip isn’t what he thought it would be. 

“Do you want to go back to Long Island?”

“Why would I want that?”

“You just don’t look like you’re enjoying yourself.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. I just want you do know that it’s okay if you want to go back. I’d understand. Things are so different now.”

Ben sighs. “We’re this far, we might as well keep going.”

“But…”

“Let’s just keep going.” 

“Okay. Fine.”

Caleb keeps an eye on the road and an eye on Ben the rest of the way.

They take the train into Boston.

He wants to give Ben every opportunity to experience all the forms of modern transportation he possibly can. If he could get him on a plane he’d drive them to Logan right now.

It’s crowded. It’s Friday around rush hour and Ben gives up his seat to a flustered young woman who is carrying far too many books. She’s appreciative in a way Ben seems totally obvious to and Caleb thinks that maybe Sackett is right about Ben being even denser than he is.

Her name is Sara. She’s a junior at Boston College and makes a joke about his Yale sweatshirt. Ben laughs, the sound is startling to Caleb.

She and Ben talk about the history books she’s holding and what classes she’s taking and Caleb covers his laugh with a fake sneeze when she tells Ben she’s writing her thesis paper on George Washington.

Sara gets off three stops later looking a little disappointed that Ben didn’t ask for her number and Ben sits down next to Caleb like the twenty minute conversation never even happened. 

Caleb leans into him so no one else will hear. “I’m calling bullshit on the whole _women not lining up for you_ thing.”

“What do you mean?”

“You were flirting with her.”

Ben looks scandalized. “I was being nice.” 

“That was enough for her.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. If you have given her your number.” He stops and puts his hand on Ben’s arm. “If you had a number to give her she would’ve taken it and called you.”

“I didn’t mean to do that.”

“Some guys just have a gift.”

“I didn’t mean to lead her on. I hope she’s not upset.”

“She was a pretty girl. I’m sure she has plenty of options.”

“She was pretty.” He sounds wistful. “You really think she was interested in me?”

Caleb nods. “Yeah.” 

Ben smiles to himself and leans back.

Caleb wishes he would learn to stop bringing this kind of stuff up. 

They walk along uneven cobblestone streets with they’re bags hanging from their shoulders. It’s starting to rain and they pull the hoods of their sweatshirts up. Caleb’s thankful Ben went back in for their jackets. 

“Does this look familiar?”

Ben takes one more step and his foot catches the side of one of the raised stones. He stumbles but catches himself then looks around to see if anyone saw.. Caleb fights back a laugh.

“I’ve definitely done that before.”

“I take it back. I believe you again. Women aren’t lining up for you.”

Ben elbows him sharply in the ribs. It hurts a little more than he meant for it to but Ben’s smiling and color is blooming on his cheeks from the cold or embarrassment. Caleb would take the pain for that. 

Thunder rumbles in the distance. 

“I’m sorry the weather isn’t better.” He tells Ben. He can see his breath when he talks.

“That’s alright. You don’t control that do you?”

He’s only half joking but Caleb laughs anyways. “No, no. We don’t have that kind of technology yet. Maybe someday.”

“I’d like to see that.” Ben muses. 

“I’d like that too.”

They eat at Quincy Market. There’s a table in the corner where they spread out their food. Clam chowder, lobster bisque, fries, drinks, and apple pie. The food is great. Everything is warm and comforting after being out in the cold all day. 

Ben pushes the empty containers away from him when he’s done and pulls his soda cup closer to him. He chews on the straw with a serious look on his face. Like something is eating away at him. 

“You alright?” Caleb asks. “The foods okay?”

“I didn’t mean to flirt with that woman today.”

It takes Caleb a minute to realize what he’s talking about.

“Jesus, you’re still thinking about that?”

“I just didn’t want you to think.” He stops suddenly and rests his chin in his hand. 

Caleb puts his spoon down. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” He straightens and squares his shoulders but Caleb isn’t convinced. “I’m tired. It’s been a long day.”

“You were in a war and this is a long day.”

“It’s different.” 

Caleb nods. He knows what he means.

He’ll never tell anyone this but he spends almost an entire paycheck on the hotel room. It’s the nicest one he’s ever been in and Ben is rendered speechless when Caleb unlocks the door with the keycard. 

“Are all hotels like this?” 

Caleb turns on the light as Ben drops his bag at the foot of one of the beds and opens the curtains to the balcony. A flash of lightning illuminates the sky. He can see clear across the harbor. 

“Some are nicer than others.”

“And this is a nice one?’

“Ummm. Yeah.” 

_Understatement of the year._

“You want the bed by the window?” 

“Do you care?”

Caleb shakes his head and Ben lies back.

“Oh.” He wiggles further into the mattress. “If I had known that modern beds feel this good I wouldn’t have agreed to sleep on your couch so easily.”

“You’re welcome to fight me for it. You want the shower first?”

Ben waves his hand. “I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to get up.”

The bathroom is bigger than Caleb’s apartment and he almost starts to cry in the shower because the water pressure is so amazing. That alone is worth all the money.

When he finally shuts the water off the room is filled with steam. 

Ben is sitting up and resting on his elbow watching the storm out of the sliding glass doors when Caleb reenters the bedroom. 

“You could’ve turned on the TV.”

“I liked the quiet.” He turns his head and his eyes scan Caleb’s body who tugs at the hem of his t-shirt. He’s seen him fresh from the shower and relaxed dozens of times but in the dim light of the hotel room it feels different. Ben opens his mouth to say something but then thinks better of it and jumps up to unzip his bag and grab his clothes. 

Caleb climbs beneath the sheets and leaves the TV off. He listens to the thunder outside and the steady fall of water coming from the shower on the other side of the wall. 

Ben comes out wearing the same pair of sweatpants Caleb gave him that first night and a white t-shirt. Caleb sets the alarm on his phone so he has something else to look at. 

“We should get up early tomorrow. There’s a lot to see. Hopefully the weather will be better.”

Ben nods and pulls the comforter and the sheets back then slides in. He arches his back and moans happily and Caleb’s sure that this is how he’ll die. 

Ben settles, finally, and Caleb turns on his side. 

“Do you miss it? Your home?”

He can just make out the line of Ben’s body beneath the sheets and he sees it turn so he’s facing him. 

“A little. Yes.” 

Lighting flashes and the light slips beneath the drapes. In the split second that it’s there Caleb can see that he’s lying with his hands pillowed beneath the side of his face. He looks peaceful.

“I miss my father and my brother. Even though I know what happens to him. I’ll never see him again.”

Caleb closes his eyes tight. He thinks another flash of lightning brightens the room. He’s glad he can’t see Ben’s face now. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s…” He takes a deep breath. It shudders on the way out. “There’s nothing anyone can do about it. At least now I have time to accept it. I miss other things too. It’s quieter and cleaner, simpler. But I think there’s more that I’ll miss about here. Medicine, running water, all the books; there’s so much to do now. I’ll miss beds like this, electricity and the food, god. It kills me that I’ll never have pizza again.”

Caleb laughs. It’s drowned out by a clap of thunder. Ben is quiet for a long time and Caleb rolls over to go to sleep, thinking that Ben is already out. When he speaks again it jolts Caleb awake. 

“But I think I’ll miss you the most.”

_I’ll miss you too_ is such a simple thing to say and it’s right there on the tip of his tongue but he doesn’t trust himself to end it there. _I’ll miss you_ and _I don’t want you to go, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, everyone can see it and I know you see it too_ and _why don’t you come over here right now_ , would all come pouring out and they can’t go back from that. Caleb wouldn’t want to but he knows how this has to end. 

He squeezes his eyes shut instead and in between the thunder and the rain beating against the sliding doors he hears Ben sigh and roll over, tugging the blankets with him as he goes. 

Caleb stays up and watches his silhouette in the flashes from the lightning rise and fall steadily with his even breaths for hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate historical accuracy. I'll do some research here and there when I'm writing a fic like this. I think it's a nice touch to include some real facts. So I thought it would be cool to look up what buildings on the Yale campus were there around Ben's time. Turns out there is only one left and they've turned it into offices or something. I was shocked. How dare they. Didn't they know that I would need to write this fic hundreds of years in the future and would need a building to stick these two adorable idiots in? So I just made the library up. 
> 
> The Nathan Hale statue is for real though. I've lived in Connecticut my whole life and have only been to New Haven maybe 4 times. 3 of those times were to catch the train into the city and the other was to see that statue with my parents and my sister who at the time (ten+ years ago) was on a mission to see every Nathan Hale statue that existed.


	5. Chapter 5

Caleb wakes up to the sound of the shower running. The other bed is empty and he stretches out on the mattress. If it wasn’t for the horrible one sided conversation he didn’t partake in he’d say it was the best night sleep he’d ever had.

He’s trying to figure out what to say to Ben when he hears the shower stop and Ben start to move around, getting dressed.

There’s an urge to tell him the truth and get everything off his chest and out in the open.

There’s an even greater urge to just run for it. 

The bathroom door opens before Caleb can make a solid decision so he curls up, shuts his eyes, and pretends to be asleep. 

Ben shakes him- a heavy hand on his shoulder and the other on his back. 

“Wake up.” He pulls the pillow out from beneath his head for good measure. “You slept through the alarm so I figured I’d let you go for a bit.” He opens up the drapes and Caleb buries his buries his face in the crook of his arm to hide from the light. “The storm moved out. It’s supposed to be a nice day.”

Caleb cracks an eye open in time to see Ben pull on his sweatshirt.

“Get up. We have a lot to do. Do you want to have breakfast here or see what we can find?”

They decide to head out. Caleb eats a blueberry scone as they follow the Freedom Trail and Ben tells him all the memories he has. It’s the best tour he’s ever gotten. 

“You know.” He says around a mouthful of scone. “You could have a future in this if things go south with that machine. Best tour guide ever.”

Ben smiles at him- all honest, upbeat, and open. Just like the weather his attitude seems to have done a one-eighty. 

They have a nice day. 

Maybe Caleb was over thinking what he said last night. Maybe Ben really will miss Caleb the same way he’ll miss indoor plumbing and pizza. He’ll miss it for a bit but he’ll learn to live without it just like he always has. How he feels about Ben is his own burden. He’s okay with that. 

They walk the whole city. 

Ben looks like he could do the whole thing all over again but Caleb’s feet are killing him so when Ben suggests they stop for dinner somewhere Caleb eagerly agrees. He herds Ben into the next bar they come across.

They order beer and burgers and have to sit close at a raised table to hear each other over the crowd watching a baseball game. 

“I’m glad you had fun today. Yesterday you seemed….”

Ben shakes his head and puts his beer down. “Yesterday was my fault. I had a lot to think about but I’m done with that.” He finishes off his beer and motions for the waitress to bring him another. 

Caleb’s amused. “You’re done thinking?”

“Yes. I’ve reached a decision.”

“On what?”

“I have decided that I’m not going back. Thank you.” He smiles at their waitress when she drops off a full glass. Caleb shakes his head at her when she asks him if he wants another and doesn’t take his eyes off her hand on Ben’s shoulder until it slips away. 

“You’re not going back where? Long Island?”

“1776.” He brings the glass to his lips but it spills over the sides and onto his fingers. He licks them clean and Caleb’s vision blurs. “I don’t need to go back.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I figured it out while I was standing in front of my grave.” Ben says cheerfully. Caleb almost laughs at the absurdity. “Everyone thinks I’m dead already.”

Caleb drops his head into his hands. The whole bar cheers over the most recent play and he’s never been so thankful for baseball. 

“The war has already been won. They don’t need me.”

“That’s not true. That’s not how it works.”

“You said you didn’t know how it works. I’m sitting right here but I’m also buried in that cemetery. I’m sitting right next to you.” He puts his hand on Caleb’s arm for emphasis. It’s cool and damp from holding the glass. “But the history books say I died in 1835. I’m staying.”

“All that means if that we got you back in time so you could do all that. The damage hasn’t been done yet. You have to go back before it has.” 

“No.”

“Yes. Ben, I can’t….would you quit drinking?”

“It’s good.” He tips the glass towards him. “You should drink some more, it’ll help you understand what I’m talking about.”

“I think it’s important that one of us stays somewhat sober and rational.” 

Ben rolls his eyes.

“It’s not just the war you have to think about. It’s everything you do afterwards. I know you know what I’m talking about. You have a wife. Kids.”

“None of that has happened yet.”

“Yes it has. I’ve read about it. I know you’ve read about it too. You’ve read everything else.”

“It hasn’t happened to me. I don’t know anything about it. I don’t know her.”

“But you will. And you have to. That’s what’s important. Do you understand what could possibly happen if you don’t go back and get married and how those kids? It could set off a chain of events-“

“You sound like Mr.Sackett.”

“That’s good. He’s right about this. What if your great, great, great, great grand kid saves some guy from getting hit by a bus and that guy’s great, great, great grand kid comes up with the cure for cancer or something?” 

“That’s quite the leap you’re making.”

“It’s an example. It could happen. You can’t risk that.”

“What if my great, great, great grand kid saves some guy from getting hit by a bus and that guys kid turns into some horrific dictator? What if one of my descendants turns into a dictator?”

“No one related to you could be a dictator.”

“My example is just as valid as yours.” He takes another drink as Caleb’s head pounds. “Plus, I was talking to Mr.Sackett and he said something about parallel universes.”

“Oh my god.”

“Sackett has this friend who thinks it’s possible that there are different versions of us all living at the same time in different realities. Maybe this version of me was meant to be here. Everything that has happened has happened for a reason. It wasn’t an accident that Mr.Sackett brought me here. I was always meant to. I was always meant to be here with you.”

Caleb pushes down the heat that spreads through his chest at Ben’s words. This is crazed, drunken, ramblings. 

“Who is this friend?”

“Stephen something.”

“Stephen Hawking?”

“Yes. Have you met him?”

“No and neither has Sackett. They’re not friends. Stephen Hawking is basically a celebrity. Everyone knows him but nobody really knows him.”

“But what he’s saying is right.”

“It’s a theory. You can’t base your whole life on a theory.”

“You can’t make me go. I know you don’t even want me to go even if you can’t admit it.”

Caleb looks at him sharply. “This has nothing to do with me.”

“Of course it does. If you weren’t here I wouldn’t want to be here either.”

“Ben, please.” He stops when the waitress comes over with the check. He could kiss her for her good timing. He pulls out his card and hands it to her without even looking at the bill. 

“Can we please not talk about this now?”

“When are we going to talk about it?”

“Never.” He answers tersely.

Thankfully Ben shuts up long enough for him to sign the receipt when he gets his card back. The waitress looks between them nervously, sensing a shift in the easy tone they had going. He gives her a nice tip to make up for the awkwardness. 

He follows Caleb out onto the street. As the door closes behind them the crowd inside erupts into cheers over the game.

“You’re a coward, Brewster.”

Caleb takes a deep breath of cold, night air, getting himself ready for round two. This one seems more personal.

“I’m just as scared as you are.” Ben continues. “But at least I can admit it.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Why didn’t you say anything last night? I know you heard me. Is it that hard to admit that you’ll miss me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” Ben takes a step closer. Caleb’s back hits the brick wall of the bard. He can hear the crowd inside, a car horn, and some drunken guys yelling in a thick Boston accent about the Sox until Ben touches the back of his hands with his fingertips and the noise of the city fades away. There’s a gently squeeze to his wrist with Ben’s thumb pressing against his pulse. Warm breath hits his face and he feels like his whole body is on fire. 

“We can’t.” He’s shocked at how strong his voice sounds. 

Ben shakes his head and moves back. Caleb is freezing without his heat. 

“Coward.” 

He turns to leave but Caleb reaches out for him. His fingers just grasp the fabric on the back of his sweatshirt. It’s enough for Ben to feel because he whips around and presses Caleb fully against the wall with his hand to his chest. 

When Caleb sees Ben’s hand come up out of the corner of his eye he thinks he’s about to be hit but instead it cups the side of his face and Caleb can’t think about anything except for the feel of his thumb stroking his cheek.

“Ben.” His voice has lost all its strength and then Ben’s kissing him. 

Caleb curls his hand into a fist at the small of his back and pulls him closer as it becomes clear that Ben isn’t going slowly. He slips a hand beneath Caleb’s jacket and then under his shirt. When the cold air hits his skin followed by Ben’s hot hand he gasps. Ben seizes the moment and deepens the kiss. His tongue slides against Caleb’s then curls hotly behind his front teeth and Caleb knows that he lied when he said that they can’t do this. They obviously can. Very well. Caleb could do this, kissing him with Ben’s hand pressed flat against his ribs and his shoulders digging into the brick wall, for the rest of his life.

Ben presses his hips forward suddenly and works his knee between Caleb’s thighs and presses up. Caleb has to tear his mouth away from Ben’s so he can moan into his shoulder. There’s a disconnect between the boy who didn’t even know the girl on the train was flirting with him and the man in front of him that’s driving him crazy against the wall of a bar for all the world to see. Caleb can’t understand it. How’d he learn how to do this? What kind of books has he been reading? What kind of movies has he been watching?

There’s a group of guys next to the door several feet from them and they whistle in approval. Ben laughs, wets his lips (his tongue darts out and Caleb’s head thumps against the wall at the sight of it) then angles Caleb’s head back for another kiss. 

Caleb shakes his head free. They can do this but Caleb cannot. 

The lust drunk look in Ben’s eyes fads fast. His face hardens as he steps back. Caleb slumps forward as Ben forces him to let go of his sweatshirt. 

“Ben, I just…”

“Forget it.” He walks away. The wrong way and Caleb can’t get his voice to work or his legs to move to follow him. He can barely catch his breath. By the time he recovers Ben’s already out of sight. 

He collects himself and starts to walk back to the hotel. 

“What the hell happened, man?” One of the guys asks.

He has no fucking idea.

Ben’s not at the hotel and Caleb tells himself it’s nothing to worry about. He’s upset and he’s cooling off. He knows the city, even with the modern touch. He can find his way back. 

An hour later Caleb finds himself watching the clock.

An hour after that he’s pacing the floor, almost wearing a hole in the expensive carpet.

There’s nothing he can but wait. Literally nothing. Ben said he didn’t want to go back and taking off in the middle of the night-disappearing without a trace- is a way to insure that. He wishes he thought ahead enough to buy Ben a phone. A cheap, pay as you do plan. He doubts he would pick up but as long as the call when through he’d have a chance to work his way into the phone company’s data base and trace the call himself. It would take time but it would be something. Right now he’s helpless.

He walks around the lobby and then around the block a few dozen times. There’s no sign of him. He has no idea what to do. He doesn’t know what he’ll say to Sackett or how he’ll handle never seeing Ben again without even saying goodbye.

He heads back to the room, defeated, and when he opens the door the light is on and Ben is tossing clothes into his bag.

“Ben.” He’s overjoyed. Ben glances over and looks as angry as the day he met him. He might as well be pointing a gun at him. “Ben, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” His voice is very low. “I just want to go home.”

Caleb doesn’t know which home he’s talking about. “We could leave right now. I think the train runs late on the weekend.”

“So you can fall asleep behind the wheel and run us into a tree? We’ll go in the morning. I’m taking a shower.” 

Caleb finally falls asleep around three and the alarm wakes him at six. He doesn’t remember setting it and when he rolls over and sees Ben zipping up his bag he realizes that he set the alarm so he didn’t have to talk to him. 

“You’re already to go?”

Ben looks up briefly but doesn’t say anything.

“I have to take a shower.” _I still have your touch all over me._ “Then I’ll be ready to go.”

Ben hauls his bag onto his shoulder. He’s not wearing his Yale sweatshirt.

“I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

The train and the car ride are direct and silent. 

He doesn’t even stop for gas so the car is running on fumes by the time they get back to Caleb’s apartment. 

Ben is a step ahead of him the whole walk up as Caleb works up the courage to say something.

“Don’t you think we should talk about this?”

“I don’t think there’s much to talk about.”

“Then I’ll talk.”

“I don’t want to listen.” He grabs the keys out of Caleb’s hand and continues on. He gets the door open then shuts it behind him. 

Caleb turns into Sackett’s apartment. 

Sackett’s working on the machine and doesn’t look up from his work when Caleb walks in.

“You’re back early.”

“How close are you to being finished?”

Sackett sits back on his stool and stares at the open fuse box with a tilted head.

“On a scale of one through ten I’d say about a five.”

“That’s not good enough.”

“I’m sorry but I’m going the best that I can and right now my best is a five.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Not unless you’ve worked on a time machine before. What is the sudden rush? What happened to ‘don’t put him in there until it’s good and ready’? Did your little field trip not go well?” 

Caleb doesn’t want to get into it.

“He’s getting too comfortable here.”

“You mean he’s getting too comfortable with you. And you with him.”

“He thinks he doesn’t have to go back.”

“If I don’t get this working he won’t be.” 

“He can’t stay here. He can’t change history. You’re the one that said that. And you have to be careful what you say to him. You can’t just tell him that you’re friends with Stephen Hawking.”  
Sackett laughs. “He believed me. It was wonderful.”

“He doesn’t know any better. It’s not funny. It filled his head with crazy ideas.”

“Oh, would you lighten up? What the hell happened in that city? Brewster?”

“He doesn’t want to go back.”

“Caleb.”

He trains his eyes to the floor. He feels like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t by his father. He knows how guilty he looks and Sackett sees it too.

“You didn’t…”

“We only kissed.” _A lot._

“I was going to say kiss. Good god.”

“He kissed me. I couldn’t stop it.”

“You are a grown man.”

“I wanted him to kiss me.” 

Sackett doesn’t say anything so Caleb plows on.

“I screwed up. Big time. He told me he was going to miss me and I couldn’t say anything back because I knew I wasn’t going to just say that. I was going to tell him not to go and knowing that he was going to be there when I got home every night made my whole day. I was going to tell him he could stay here forever because if anyone could pull a fake ID and social security number out of thin air it would be me. I could make him a real person. He could do anything he wanted to do. We could do anything. There’s so much to see now. Saying that I miss him would be the tip of the iceberg. I would’ve started with that and somehow ended up telling him that I’m falling in love with him but that’s such a stupid mistake. It’s unfair. We can’t do anything with that. We all know he has to go back. Even he knows it, really. He’s fighting it right now but I know he knows. He kissed me and I turned away like it meant nothing and he hasn’t spoken to me since last night and there’s no way I can fix this without telling him the truth but the truth will kill both of us so what the hell do I do now?”

Sackett’s quiet for a long moment. He studies Caleb with narrowed eyes. 

“Are you done raving?”

“Yes. No. Yes.” 

“Do you know why I built this thing? I was going to go back to when I met my wife. That first day and spend all those years with her all over again. I’d make sure we took more pictures of our wedding and that trip to the Grand Canyon. I’d hold her tighter when she got sick.”

“You would try to save her.”

“No. I know I can’t do that. I can’t change it but I would be there for her.”

“You’d just sit there and watch her get sicker and sicker? How could you put yourself through that torture?”

“I don’t see it as torture. I see it as more time with my best friend.”

“And that would be worth it?”

“I wouldn’t trade a single minute with her to spare myself the pain I felt when she left.”

Caleb exhales heavily. “So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying you need to talk to him. Do you really want everything left unsaid? Is that fair to either of you?”

“He has to go back.”

Sackett nods. “He does. But why spend the rest of your time together in misery.”

“I didn’t mean to get attached.”

“It’s too late for that now.”

Ben is still holding his overnight bag when he walks in. What doesn’t fit in it is in his other hand. 

“Why aren’t you unpacked?”

“I’m moving in with Sackett. I haven’t asked him but I think he’ll be okay with it. There aren’t a lot of other options. Maybe you won’t have to see me again. Hope you have a nice life, Brewster.”

He walks by him towards the door but Caleb grabs the bag out of his hand. “You’re not leaving.”

“You made it pretty clear that I have to. This isn’t a discussion.”

“Well we’re having one.”

“Why? You don’t even care.”

“I care. God, Ben, you are the dumbest smart person I have ever met.”

“You don’t have to insult me.” His anger swells then dissipates just as quickly. “It’s okay, Caleb. You’re not obligated to feel any sort of way about me. I probably shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“I wanted you to.” Caleb drops the bag and moves closer. Ban doesn’t back up. “I wanted that, all of that and more. I didn’t want you to stop. I am going to miss you. I want you to stay. I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s all the time. Constant. You’re driving me crazy but I can’t imagine you not being here. I don’t know what I’d do without you here. If you want to go to Sackett’s still that’s fine.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “You are the dumbest smart person I’ve ever met.”

“You think I’m smart?”

He cuts off Caleb’s smile with a kiss.

Caleb pulls him in loving the soft sound he makes when he deepens the kiss. 

Ben still seems hesitant so Caleb pulls back and rests his forehead against Ben’s.

“I know you got more than that in you, Tallboy.”

Ben’s response is to kiss him dirty and push him in the direction of the bedroom. 

“That’s more like it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just like time travel I don't really know anything about Stephen Hawking. I saw The Theory of Everything, recently. The ending made me cry. I also saw a clip of that Q&A he did at the university where someone asked how he felt about Zayn leaving One Direction or something. He mentioned alternate universes and if that's good enough for 1D fans then dammit, that's good enough for me.


	6. Chapter 6

“I have to know.” Caleb’s still breathing heavy with sweat still drying on his skin. Ben’s lying on his back next to him with his hands behind his head looking perfectly content. “You have to tell me. How’d you learn how to do that?”

“I’m assuming you’re not going to buy that it’s just God given talent?”

Caleb pokes him. “No one is that good right off the bat.”

“Maybe I’ve had some help. I told you, it’s not a new concept.”

“What does that mean? I thought you were…”

Ben pushes himself up on his elbow and invades Caleb’s space. “Someone has quite the extensive collection of videos on his computer.”

The flush starts on Caleb’s cheeks and spreads all the way down to his chest.

“All of that is password protected.”

“Whales12 is not a strong password. I cracked that pretty quickly. Oh, come on.” He eyes Caleb’s body. “I think we’re past the point of embarrassment.” He rests his forehead against Caleb’s, nuzzling in closer until Caleb kisses him.

“You did research on this? So you were anticipating this?”

“I figured I should be prepared.”

“You’re such a Boy Scout.”

“Is that an insult or a compliment?” He asks as he leans away to grab his jeans from the floor.

“A little of both. Uh, what the hell do you think you’re doing there, Tallboy?” He asks as he watches Ben pull them on.

“It’s only ten in the morning. Are we supposed to lie in bed all day?”

“Get back in here.” He hooks a finger into his belt loop and tugs him back into the bed. “You’ve still got a lot to learn. 

They do spend the rest of day in bed, only leaving to get food. 

They fall asleep and curled against each other.

In the morning they shower, together, have breakfast, and Ben kisses him goodbye in the kitchen. Then, when Caleb has the door open and he’s halfway out it Ben kisses him again, fingers playing with the curls at the nape of his neck and nibbling at his bottom lip. Caleb runs his hands up Ben’s chest, loving that he didn’t bother to put a shirt on after their shower. He leans into Ben, trying to get him to move back into the apartment. He wants to close the door and not show up for work.

He’s got Ben just moving back slightly when Sackett clears his throat and they break apart. Ben drops his hands and looks mildly horrified. Caleb’s head clunks back against the door but he still keeps his hands on him. He’s not about to let go that easily.

“Jesus.” Caleb mumbles, thoroughly annoyed that they were interrupted. 

“Not quite.” Sackett answers.

“Good morning, Mr. Sackett.”

“Morning, Benjamin. I was on my out and was about to ask if you’d like to go for a walk with me but I’m thinking you might want to sit this one out.” He gestures vaguely to Ben’s bare torso. 

“Maybe tomorrow.” Ben’s red all over and doesn’t reach for Caleb again until Sackett turns away to walk down the hallway mumbling something about how kids these days have no discretion. Once it’s clear he drags him closer by the front of his shirt. Caleb laughs and digs his fingertips into Ben’s spine. “It’s not funny. I feel like I was just caught by my father.”

“That’s why it’s funny.” 

Ben kisses the smile off his face.

“I could stay home today.” Caleb says when Ben pulls back.

“Tempting, but I should rest up.”

Caleb groans softly.

“Plus you have to go to work. You’re the one that pays for everything.”

“Ha! I see how it is.”

“Go.” Ben pushes him out the door. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

Caleb catches up to Sackett in the stairwell.

“You’re not going to say anything?”

Sackett tugs on his gloves. “I see the two of you talked.”

“Yes. Is that it? You’re not going to say that you only meant that we should only talk and that I crossed a line and this was a huge mistake. I know you’ve got to be dying to.”

“I think…..” He points a finger at Caleb as he opens the door. “I’ll be sure to knock before I come over.”

“Probably a good idea.”

When Caleb gets home from work Ben has the decency to let the door close before he shoves him against it. His lips are on Caleb’s neck when he laughs.

“I missed you too, Tallboy. If I knew this was the greeting I’d get I would’ve come home sooner.”

“I wish you would have.” Ben whispers and the vibration against his skin makes Caleb shiver. His hand moves to Caleb’s belt and Caleb becomes highly aware that his hands are still dirty from the boat and he still smells like the sea. 

“I should clean up. Take a shower. I smell like a fish. We could have dinner.” 

Ben’s hands hit the door and lie flat next to Caleb’s head.

“Listen. I have been waiting for you all day and weeks before that, since I met you. I don’t want to waste anymore time. I don’t…” He bites his lip and Caleb touches his side. He knows what he’s going to say. He doesn’t have much time. They don’t have much time. “So.” He recovers. “Are you going to let me blow you against this door or not?”

“Oh. My. God.” 

“Well?”

“How could I say no to that?” He straightens his back against the door and locks it. “Go for it.”

Ben’s smile is beautiful as he kisses him, starting at his mouth then working down his neck again. His hands press against the front of his jeans and Caleb starts to babble.

“Oh my god. My life is insane. This is crazy. Do you understand how crazy this is? Oh god, that feels good, keep doing that. I never thought we’d be doing this when I saw you that first time? I mean, maybe there was definitely a moment between when you opened your eyes and when you decided to point a gun at me. Your eyes are so blue I definitely thought about it. Did you ever imagine-” He stops short when Ben kneels in front of him. “Did you imagine that you’d be doing this when you woke up that morning in 1776? What is your life, man? I mean.” The word ends in a chocked off groan as Ben finally takes him in his mouth. Caleb balls his hand into a fist in Ben’s hair, encouraging, and he doesn’t say anything coherent until they’re spread out on the kitchen floor.

“Oh my god.”

“You said that already.” Ben taps chest right over his heart.

“It’s worth repeating.” He tugs at Ben’s shirt, miffed that he’s still wearing one. “Take this off.”

“The floor is cold.”

“You’re laying on me. I’ll keep you warm.”

Ben groans but obliges, pulling the shirt over his head in one swift motion. His elbow narrowly misses Caleb’s face. He thinks it might be on purpose.

“Better now?”

“Much.” Caleb rolls his shoulders and Ben snuggles closer. “Why don’t you come to work with me tomorrow?”

Ben picks his head off Caleb’s chest so he can look at him.

“We’re getting to the end of the season. It’ll be fun.”

“I don’t want to impose.”

“I’m inviting you.”

“I won’t be in the way?”

“Not at all. I have an extra life jacket and everything.”

Ben scrunches his face up. “Do I really need to wear that?”

“Probably not.” He runs his hand along Ben’s side. “But if you fall in...”

Ben pushes himself up over Caleb’s body. “What are you going to do?”

Caleb tucks a loose strand of Ben’s hair behind his ear. “I’d jump in right after you.”

He doesn’t make Ben wear the life jacket. 

Ben hangs back and watches him work. It’s only slightly distracting for Caleb.

When everyone gets off the boat at the end of the day Ben touches him for the first time. His hand on Caleb’s exposed arm where his sleeve is rolled up feels like a spark.

“I can see why you like being out here. You’re very good at this.” He raises his nose in the air and looks out over the water. “Very charming.”

“You sound a little jealous.”

“I’m just glad that I’ve got you alone.”

“Come on then. Time for a private tour.”

Caleb drops anchor a ways off the coast. The sun is just starting to go down and it’s getting cooler. Ben buries down into his jacket, his nose is pressed against the collar as he tips his chair back on two legs and rests his feet against the railing of the boat. Caleb wishes it were summer. He wishes he could have a few extra hours of daylight with him. Ben could use the sun. So could he. 

Ben lifts his face to catch the last of the light. It makes his hair look even more golden than usual. 

Caleb loves him. 

It’s not a sudden realization. It doesn’t hit him out of the blue like a freight train. It’s a warm feeling that’s been bubbling up in his chest for weeks now that he just didn’t have a clear name for. Now that he knows that warmth spills out into the rest of him.

It almost spills out of his mouth. He can practically taste the words. He would say it and Ben would tip forward in his chair, kiss him, say it back, then ask him what he wants to do for dinner. It would be so easy. 

“It’s nicer in the summer.” He tells him instead, and then rolls his eyes at how stupid he is. It’s the wrong words to break the silence. 

“I know.” Ben answers, his eyes are closed against the light and Caleb feels even worse about himself. 

“Right. I keep forgetting you’ve seen all this before.”

“It’s different now.”

“Yeah. That boat has a motor.”

Ben cracks an eye open. “You’re here. It’s better.”

God. He loves him. 

He knows he has to tell him. He can’t hold this in forever. They don’t have forever. Sackett hasn’t talked about the machine in awhile (Caleb has honestly been afraid to ask him about it) so he has no idea how close he is to finishing it. It could be done tomorrow for all he knows. He can’t let Ben leave without knowing how he feels. There have been plenty of opportunities. When he walks into the bathroom and Ben is brushing his teeth or when he’s doing the dishes after breakfast or when they’re lying in bed at night and he’s listening to Ben’s breathing even out as he drifts off. It would be so easy to lean over, brush his lips against an open patch of skin and say it. Instead he lets his finish brushing and washing and fall asleep. 

He lets these moments pass and they eat him up inside.

They spend time at Anna’s bar, much to her delight. It’s a welcome distraction for Caleb. 

Anna almost squeals when she sees them walk in. 

“I should be pissed at you for taking my best customer away but he looks so happy.” She reaches over the bar and pinches Caleb’s cheek. “First round is on the house, Ben.”

“We would’ve shown up sooner if I knew that was the deal.”

“I said first round on the house for Ben.” She points at Caleb. “Your tab is already out of control.”

They sit close together on the bar stools with their knees touching. The noise of the bar doesn’t touch them. Every so often Ben drops his hand into Caleb’s lap and his fingers move slowly up the seam of his jeans before he pulls it back again. Each time it drops he lets it move further and further up his thigh. 

Caleb has to stop him before he moves up too far. 

“Do you want to be starting something?” He whispers.

Ben squeezes his hand and looks past him towards the restrooms. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Anna would-.”

“Anna would what?” Caleb doesn’t know if she just showed up or if she’s been there the whole time and he’s been too busy paying attention to Ben to notice.

“Anna would get us more drinks.” He slides their empty glasses towards her. “Don’t worry, I’ll pay for these.”

She grabs the glasses and heads over to the end of the bar. Caleb stands to follow but leans down to speak into Ben’s ear before he goes.

“Anna would kill us.”

“What a way to go.” 

Caleb rolls his eyes but kisses his temple.

“You two are cute together.” Anna tells him as she fills the second glass. “You should marry him. Now. Take my ring, don’t tell Selah.”

“Slow down. I haven’t even told him I love him yet. I do though. I just haven’t told him.”

Her eyes soften. “Look at him.” 

Ben is talking to Selah, laughing at something he’s said and he turns his head towards Caleb like he knows he’s being watched. He smiles fondly at Caleb.

“He already knows.” She jabs her finger into Caleb’s chest. “But that doesn’t get you off the hook. You have to tell him.”

“What if he doesn’t say it back?”

“I’m pretty sure you don’t have to worry about that. He’s crazy about you. You’re crazy if you don’t see it. I’m surprised he hasn’t said it first.” 

Maybe that’s what he’s waiting for.

With the tourist season over Caleb gets a job on a fishing boat. The pay is even better and he doesn’t have to deal with customers but he does have to wake up earlier. 

Everyday his alarm goes off at 4:30 and he springs out of Ben’s grasp to turn it off.

“Christ.” Ben complains as he rolls over and covers his head with a pillow.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I keep thinking my internal clock with click in and I’ll wake up without it.”

Ben reaches out blindly and covers Caleb’s mouth with his hand.

“Please shut up.” 

Caleb laughs but the sound is muffled. Ben whines.

“Shut up. You don’t have to keep apologizing for the alarm. Just turn it off and move on. I’m already awake when it goes off anyways.”

Caleb shakes off Ben’s hand. “See, your internal clock has kicked in.” He avoids Ben’s hand this time and grabs and holds it instead.

“Just turn it off and let me go back to sleep.”

“You’re so grumpy in the morning.”

“Shut up. I love you but please shut up.”

Caleb lets go of his hand and it falls onto the mattress between them. Ben is completely still. His back isn’t even rising and falling in time with his breaths. Caleb smoothes his hands over it; his shirt is soft and warm as he feels him finally start to breathe again. 

“You just had to beat me to it, didn’t you?”

Ben turns on his side to look up at him. Caleb can just make out the outline of his face in the ambient light of the room. 

“I’ve been carrying that that around for weeks trying to figure out how to tell you and you just swoop in here with that like it’s no big deal.”

“It’s a big deal.” Ben says softly.

“I know, for me too. I’ve never said that to anyone before.”

“Technically you still haven’t.”

Caleb leans down and kisses him and kisses him until it’s hard to breathe. 

“I love you. More than I ever thought I could. You’re my best friend.” He brushes hair off Ben’s face. “What did I ever do without you?”

Ben kisses him so slowly that he’s 45 minutes late to work. His boss yells at him but he doesn’t even care.

The next morning Ben wakes him up a minute before the alarm goes off by peppering kisses all over his face.

Ben insists that they make dinner for Sackett. Caleb is tired and cold from being out on the water all day. All he wants to do is take a shower, eat leftovers, and watch crappy TV on the couch with Ben. But, Ben is adamant and Caleb gives in easily enough.

“We never thanked him.” Ben says as he tears lettuce into a bowl. Caleb is slicing a cucumber and making sure that the pot of spaghetti doesn’t boil over.

“Thanked him?”

“Yes. For being a brilliant albeit crazy inventor and getting me here.”

“He didn’t do it on purpose.”

“But he did it. That’s what counts. Being here has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Ben admits softly.

Caleb knocks his shoulder into Ben’s. “I guess dinner is the least we could do. You being here is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Really? I was talking about electricity and French fries, but thanks.”

Caleb hip checks him into the counter.

Sackett’s grateful and a little boastful as he tells them what else he’s been working on. Something is off with him but Ben doesn’t seem to notice. He doesn’t know Sackett as well as Caleb does and doesn’t think anything of it when Sackett hides a worried look behind his glass of wine when Ben goes to grab dessert, putting his hand on Caleb’s shoulder as he stands and letting it slide off. 

All things considered dinner goes well. Sackett heads across the hall with some leftovers and Ben drinks the last of the wine. Caleb sends him to bed and starts to clean up.

He’s putting the last of the wine glasses in the dishwasher when there’s a knock on the door.

“You can come in Sackett. Everyone is decent.”

The door opens slowly and Sackett pops his head in, looking around the room.

“Where’s Ben?”

Caleb tiles his head towards the bedroom. “He’s asleep already.”

“Good.” Sackett closes the door behind him but doesn’t move away from it.

“What’s the matter? You acted strange all throughout dinner. Y’know, stranger than normal.”

“The machine is working.”

Caleb feels cold all over. There’s a buzzing in his ears that wasn’t there a moment ago. It’s disorienting. “What? Just like that? You just got it going?”

“It’s been ready for awhile now. I’ve been testing it and testing it to make sure. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure. I didn’t want to upset the two of you for nothing. But maybe I should have said something. It would’ve given you a chance to get used to the idea.”

“We always knew this was going to happen.”

“That doesn’t make this any easier.”

“How am I supposed to tell him? I can’t even imagine the look on his face.” He can feel panic start to rise. His hands are shaking. “I can’t do that to him. I can’t be the reason he looks like that. What do I do?” He bends over with his hands on his knees and tries to catch his breath.

Sackett puts his hand on his shoulder. “I could do it if you’d like.”

“No, no.” Caleb straightens and tries to steady his voice. It doesn’t work. “It should come from me. I just don’t know how.”

“I know what it’s like to lose someone you love.” Sackett says gently. Caleb shoves the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Take tonight and sleep on it.”

“I won’t feel better in the morning. I just got him. We just figured this out. We’re happy. Now I have to tell him it all has to end.”

“I’ve grown fond of the boy as well.”

“I don’t think it’s the same thing.”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

Sackett leaves before Caleb’s grief can turn to anger. They just had a dinner in his honor to thank him for bringing Ben here and now he’s going to take him away.

He puts off going into the bedroom for as long as he can. He scrubs the kitchen counters, sweeps, and unloads the dishwasher. He takes a 20 minute long shower, not even caring that it goes cold. He can barely feel it anyways.

Ben is facing away from him when Caleb finally climbs into bed. He almost jumps when Ben lifts his head.

“Caleb.”

“I thought you were asleep.” He kisses the top of his head. “I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.”

“I heard you and Sackett talking.” He rolls over to face him and touches his shoulder; Caleb is so numb he barely feels it. 

“God, Ben.” Caleb’s voice is watery. Ben squeezes his shoulder.

“I thought that would make you feel better, knowing that I knew. You don’t have to stay up all night worrying about how you’re going to tell me. I know you would’ve done that.”

When Caleb doesn’t say anything Ben leans in and rests his forehead against Caleb’s. “Should I not have said anything?”

“I don’t know.”

“What can I do to make you feel better?”

Caleb wants to cry over how strong and selfless his voice is. He guesses one of them has to be.

“I don’t know.” He repeats and pulls Ben to him. He’s close enough that he can feel his heart beating against his own. Ben hooks his arm around his back, his fingers moving in small circles at the base of his spine. Caleb sighs heavily as Ben tucks his head beneath his chin. 

“I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no. What have I done?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the last chapter but I've pretty much had one of the worst weeks of my life this past week (like, I always feel like hot garbage but this was cold, bitter, damp, garbage filled with gross garbage water) so I didn't get to write a lot. Which means you all get one more chapter out of me.

Breakfast is silent and awkward. Their spoons clinking against the side of their cereal bowls is the only sound. 

Caleb called in sick. It’s not even a lie.

“I could stay.”

Caleb drops the spoon. The clatter makes Ben jump. Milk splashes over the side of the bowl and onto the table.

“We already talked about this.”

“No, I talked about it, you freaked out, we fought, we kissed, fought some more, then.” He waves his hands between them. “Everything happened and we never talked about it again.”

“That’s because there isn’t anything else to talk about. You know you can’t stay.”

“Why not?”

Caleb pushes his chair out from the table. “I’ve already had this conversation with you. It kills me thinking about all the reasons why you can’t stay. I’m not telling you again. I can’t do it.” His voice cracks and Ben is on his feet and rushing over to him. They stay like that, with their arms wrapped around each other in Caleb’s kitchen for a long time.

They watch an egg disappear and reappear in the machine until Ben can’t take it anymore. He’s out the door and Caleb is hot on his heels.

“Brewster, let him be.”

“Let him be?” He shouts as anger takes over for grief.

“Give him some space.”

Caleb’s hands ball into fists. “Look at what’s going to happen to him. He’s leaving me. Forever. For good. I have to be with him. I have to spend as much time with him as I can. I have to-.” He covers his mouth with his hand to hold in a sob. When he was ten he fell off his bike and as his father pressed a washcloth to his bloody knee he told him that men don’t cry. Right now he knows how wrong he was. He falls back onto the couch and presses the tips of his fingers into his eyes so hard that he sees stars. “I have to spend every minute with him. Isn’t that what you would do if you were in my place, if this was happening with your wife?”

Sackett puts his hand on his shoulder and Caleb leans into it, craving the comfort.

“I can’t argue with you on that.”

Caleb’s up immediately. Shaking off Sackett’s hand to get to Ben. 

“You could go with him.” Sackett says quickly. “I could send you both back. I’ve been thinking about it. It’s possible. I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. You wouldn’t have to say goodbye. You could go with him.”

Caleb laughs but it lacks any sense of humor.

“Why? So we can hide and I can be a dirty little secret? We can slip up one day, get caught, and be hung or stoned to death or whatever ridiculousness happened back then? That’s no way to live. I don’t want that for him. It wouldn’t change anything anyways. He’d still have to get married and I have no interest in being his best man.”

“I’m not sure they had those back then.” Sackett mumbles.

Caleb cuts him with a dirty look. “I’ve been through every option over and over again. What would happen if he stays, what if we both go, what if I throw him in the car and put as much space between us and this goddamn box as possible. We could just take off and never look back. It would be so easy. You said it yourself; if anyone can produce a fake ID it’s me. We could be anyone we wanted to be. I want to do that, god, I’d do anything to be able to do that, but I can’t risk the consequences. We can’t change the past. He has to go back and he has to go back alone. This is how it has to be.”

“I was only trying to help.”

“I know you were. I appreciate it but the only thing I can do now is spend as much time with him as possible.”

Ben is in their bedroom when Caleb comes looking for him. The blinds are still drawn and he lies with his feet still on the floor and his arm over his eyes. 

Caleb settles down next to him on his side. He rests his chin on Ben’s shoulder and presses his hand against his chest.

“When?” Ben uncovers his eyes and moves it around Caleb’s shoulders. Caleb responds by moving closer, sliding a leg over Ben’s, touching his face and then letting his hands wander down his body again. This is the kind of comfort that he needs.

“I think it’s up to you.”

He feels Ben take a deep breath. He kisses the corner of Ben’s mouth and straddles his hips. 

“Sunday. Sunday night.”

Caleb sits up straight over Ben’s thighs. His whole body freezes up. “Sunday is the day after tomorrow. That’s not enough time.”

“It’s never enough time.” Ben sits up so their chests are pressed together. His holds his hands at the small of Caleb’s back. “Putting it off will only make it hurt more.”

“I don’t think that’s possible.” A tear finally falls. Caleb tries to hide it before Ben sees but Ben brings his hand up and gently wipes it away with his thumb. 

“You understand, right? What’s the phrase? Something with a Band-Aid?”

“Quick like a Band-Aid. Just rip it off, get it over with. It hurts more to draw it out.”

“That’s it.” He runs his hand up and down Caleb’s back, squeezing his shoulder on the way up and his hip on the way down. 

“This is one hell of a Band-Aid.”

Ben smiles, trying to make him feel better and Caleb feels like he’ll never smile again until Ben kisses him. They move up to the head of the bed and climb beneath the covers. As much as Caleb wants to kidnap him and drive and drive he wants to stay right here; limbs tangled together beneath the warmth of his heavy comforter and flannel sheets. 

He slips in and out of sleep with Ben’s fingernails scratching lazily across his scalp. It does nothing to loosen the knot of panic and dread in Caleb’s chest but this close to him is still perfect. He wants this forever even though he knows their forever is going to be over in two days. 

They have pizza for dinner at the kitchen table. Caleb sits with his feet in Ben’s lap and tells him that they should be eating something more substantial. Something Ben hasn’t had before. Ben squeezes his thigh and tells him that this is fine. That this is what he wants. Caleb lets him have it. He’d let him have anything. 

When he says he wants to see Anna before he leaves he lets him have that too, even though he knows that’s going to be a mistake.

They can’t hide their misery. Time keeps ticking on. They only have twenty four hours left and Caleb wants to be alone with him instead of pressed against a bar filled with drunken partiers. 

They try to put on a brave face, laughing with Selah but Anna sees right through their happy little act. 

She corners Caleb on his way to the bathroom and demands answers.

“Spill, Brewster. What’s going on with the two of you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He tries to slip past her but she’s quick on her feet. Totally sober. Her advantage is unfair.

“Are you fighting? Is it okay? You’re not acting like yourself. Neither of you are. I’m worried.”

He puts his hands on her shoulder; a gesture of reassurance that doubles as a way to physically move her out of the way. She sways just enough for him to get by.

“Everything’s fine. I swear.”

She narrows her eyes and Caleb wants to run away.

“I promise. We’re tired. It’s been a long week. I have to get up so early for work and the alarm wakes us both up. It’s just…” He sighs and gives up. Anna’s face softens just as Caleb’s crumbles. 

“What’s going on?” She asks softly. He’d tell her everything if he thought that there would be a chance that she would believe him. 

“It’s nothing. Nothing we can’t handle.”

She lets him go but keeps an eye on the both of them for the rest of the night. 

Caleb sits closer. Ben presses their bodies together; hip to shoulder with their arms touching on the bar. Caleb wraps his fingers around the back of his neck and brings Ben down for a kiss with a soft smile playing on his lips before they finally touch. 

It’s enough to make Anna look away, worry slipping from her face.

It’s not even close to being enough for the two of them.

Caleb wakes at six on Sunday morning and tries to drag Ben out of bed by telling him that there’s so much they could be doing. They could go into the city and spend the day there. There’s so much to see but Ben pulls him back into bed, quiets him with a kiss and tells him that the only thing he’s interested in seeing is him. 

When they finally agree to wake at noon Caleb insists that he makes something for them to eat. 

Ben sits at the kitchen table while Ben works at the stove. 

“I feel like I’m cooking your last meal.”

“You’re not sending me to my death, Caleb.”

“I might as well be.”

“Don’t think of it like that. I have decades left in me.” He says it lightly with a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth and Caleb explodes. He tosses the plate of French toast in front of him. Everything on the table rattles. Ben steadies his coffee mug and leans back in his chair. 

“How are you so calm? How are you so okay with this? I’m standing here making you French toast and dying because I’ll never see you again.”

“You’re not dying.”

“You’re acting like you don’t even care.”

“Of course I do.” His voice is so even. He takes a sip of coffee and Caleb fights the urge to slap the cup from his hand. 

“Then can you make it seem like it? I feel like I’m wasting my time here.”

“You’re not.” He reaches for Caleb’s hands and pulls him in until he’s standing in front of him. He brings his hands to his hips and rests his head against Caleb’s stomach as he cards his fingers through Ben’s hair. “This is what’s best for you.”

“What?” Caleb pushes away from him but Ben has his fingers tucked tight into the waistband of his jeans. 

“I hate it but it’s true. I can’t stay, everyone knows that and I know you can’t come with me. I heard you and Sackett talking and you’re right. I don’t want that life for you. Hiding what shouldn’t be hidden. Look at how much things have changed here. I can’t take you from that. I won’t.”

Caleb shuts his eyes and sways. Ben only holds on tighter. 

“I know everything that’s going to happen to me. My whole life is already planned out.”

“It’s a good life.” Caleb reminds him. “Every choice you have to make is one that you made before you met me.”

“I know. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can do anything. Go anywhere. Meet anyone. And you’re going to. You’re going to meet someone else…”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“It’s what’s going to happen. I want it to happen.”

“You want me to meet someone else?”

“Yes. I want you to be happy.”

“I’m happy with you.” 

Ben rolls his forehead against Caleb’s lower abdomen.

“Come on. Food can wait.” He pulls Caleb towards the bedroom and sits him down on the edge of the bed where Caleb tugs at the hem of Ben’s shirt and tells him to take it all off. Slowly.

Ben has the sense and experience to do as he’s told and keep the blush off his face as he does. 

Caleb runs his hands over every inch of exposed skin and tries to commit the feel and look of his skin to memory.

“Why don’t you take a picture?” Ben asks as he presses Caleb down into the mattress. His knees press next to Caleb’s hips. “It’ll last longer.”

Caleb laughs for the first time in days. His chest aches with it. “Where’d you hear that one?”

Ben shrugs and leans down for a kiss at the same time Caleb arches up so he can pull his phone out of his back pocket.

“Why don’t I?”

Ben sits back and covers half of his face with his hand. “Caleb, I wasn’t serious.”

“Why not?” He gets off ten shots. They all look the same. He’ll keep them all. “What’s it hurting?”

Ben knocks his arm back and pins it to the bed. Caleb still manages to get off a few shots. “It’s not fair. I have nothing to take with me.”

_Nothing is fair anymore_ , Caleb thinks but lets the phone call from his fingertips anyways. 

Caleb flips them, gets the rest of Ben’s clothes off and presses biting and bruising kisses all over his body. He worries a spot at the base of his neck with his teeth and lips then soothes it with his tongue before he repeats the process all over again; moving along his chest, his side, over his ribs, the dip of his hipbone, inside of his thigh. He can take those with him. He can press his fingertips against the bruises until it hurts. Until he feels something, like how much he misses him and how he wishes things were different. How much he loves him. 

In the interest in fairness Ben returns the favor. There are half moon indentations from his nails along Caleb’s shoulders an back. He holds onto Caleb’s hips hard enough to leave smudged bruises against his skin. He spells out _I love you_ with his lips against that spot right below his ear that makes Caleb forget everything (his name, birthday, the fact that Ben is leaving him in eight hours and thirty four minutes) and arch into the touch. 

The phone slides off the bed and lays forgotten on top of their clothes. 

Ben steps over everything on his way to the shower then to the kitchen to reheat their food before he brings it back into the bedroom. 

Caleb really tries to enjoy the limited time they have left but he can only keep one eye on Ben. The other is glued to the digital clock on his nightstand so he can watch the time. He’d feel guilty about it but he catches Ben doing the same thing. 

At seven forty five Ben starts to disentangle himself from Caleb but Caleb just holds on tighter.

“Caleb.”

“No.”

Ben tries once more before he gives up and lets Caleb cling to him for ten more minutes. 

Finally Caleb loosens his grip and Ben slips away from his arms. 

“You hung the uniform in the closet, didn’t you?”

Caleb’s eyes are closed but can hear Ben moving around the room. The closet door opens. Clothing gets pushed to the side. 

“Yes. It’s still dirty. I didn’t know how to clean it.”

“That’s fine.” Ben sighs. “It’s supposed to be like that.”

When Caleb opens his eyes Ben is fully dressed. He looks just like he did when Caleb first saw him. It makes his heart hurt. 

“I guess we should….I should….” Ben trails off and tips his head to the door. “You don’t have to go over with me. We can say goodbye here.”

Caleb moves faster than he ever thought he could. He’s in front of Ben and kissing him. He hates the feel of the dirty wool of Ben’s uniform beneath his hands when he rests them on his side. He’s so used to soft cotton, denim, and bare skin. Of course he’s going with him. This is going to end for them but not like this. 

“Listen to me.” Ben says when they break apart. He crowds Caleb against the door. “Listen.” Ben says again as he curls his hand around Caleb’s chin and raises it so he’s forced to meet his eyes. “I want you to go to work tomorrow. Get your mind off of this. Please don’t dwell on it or worry. I’ll be fine. You know my whole life, everything I do and when I do it. I’ll be thinking about you the whole time and I have to know you’ll be okay too, okay? Go out and meet someone, you will.”

“Ben, stop.”

“Someone that’ll give you everything I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. You get to have that. You’re so lucky, I’m jealous.” He laughs to cover up how his voice cracks. It’s too late for me, save yourself, goes unsaid. “Promise me.” He shakes him a bit and Caleb kisses him. “You’ll be so happy that you’ll forget all about me.” He says against Caleb’s lips and Caleb surges forward to kiss him again, hard. 

“That’s never going to happen.”

Ben rests his forehead against Caleb’s and doesn’t say anything else.

Sackett is ready for them. Caleb’s hands stays on Ben’s back when Sackett shakes his hand and he keeps it there when Ben pulls him in for a hug and thanks him for everything. He turns away and busies himself with something on the machine. Caleb feels like he’s doing it just to give the two of them a sense of privacy. They’re both grateful for it. 

Ben kisses him quickly. His lips, his forehead, his cheek as he pulls him against his chest. 

“I love you. I’ll always-.” He gasps. His chest rattles. He’s been so strong this whole time and its Caleb’s turn to take over.

Quick like a Band-aid. 

“I know. Me too. Always.” He unwraps his arms from around his waist. “You have to go be a hero now. Tell Washington I said hi.”

Ben smiles, if only for Caleb’s benefit. “And you’ll promise me-.”

“Yes.” Caleb nods and holds Ben’s face in his hands. “I promise.” He reassures. Anything to make him happy.

“I love you and I’m so sorry.”

Caleb cuts him off. “There’s nothing to apologize for. I wouldn’t trade this for anything.”

They kiss again, this time for the last time.

When Sackett clears his throat Ben steps away and steps into the machine. Sackett turns it on. It hums quietly as lights blind on the side. 

“You don’t need to be here, Caleb.” He whispers. 

“Yes I do.” _What part of I have to spend as much time with him as possible don’t you understand?_ He can’t take his eyes off Ben who can’t seem to take his eyes off Caleb.

The machine gets louder and shakes a bit. 

Then it’s suddenly empty. 

Ben is gone. 

Caleb's knees hit the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh god, I'm sorry.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay everyone. Here we go. 
> 
> You know when I started thinking about this story I was like 'this'll be cool. This'll be so campy and fun and not at all serious. It definitely won't be something that'll keep me up at night because I can't figure out how to end it. I won't twist myself inside out going back and forth about the ending FOR WEEKS. I hope the one I decided on doesn't make you all want to set me on fire. Love you lots.

Caleb wakes up when the alarm goes off. He hits the snooze button six times before he yanks the clock’s cord out of the wall and tosses it on the floor. He curls up on Ben’s side of the bed and tries not to think about how he’s already broken a promise to Ben. Instead He thinks about how much his knees hurt from how hard he hit the floor and how his eyes till burn from how hard he cried. 

He’s never felt more pathetic or crazy while he lost his mind on the floor of that apartment with Sackett standing over him know knowing what to do. 

Caleb didn’t know what to do either so he just collapsed further and cried and cried.

“How do you know he’s safe? How do you know he’s far enough away? They shot him! What if you put him right back in the middle of them?”

“I didn’t. I promise. Here.”

Caleb presses his forehead against the cool hardwood as Sackett scurried away. He came back with a book that he shoved against Caleb’s face.

“Look.”

Caleb tilted his head just enough to read the first line.  
“ _Benjamin Tallmadge. 1754-1835._ He’s alive. He lived. He’s okay.”He put his hand gently on Caleb’s back right before Caleb sprung up and made a run towards the door. “You don’t have to be alone, Brewster. I wouldn’t advise it.”

Caleb didn’t listen. 

He got back into his apartment, locked the door (deadbolt and chain just in case Sackett tried to get in), grabbed Ben’s sweatshirt from off the back of the couch, and fell into bed. Exhaustion quickly took over and he fell asleep fully clothed with the sweatshirt tucked beneath his chin.

Now he feels worse than he did last night. His head pounds. His face aches. His heart is just gone.

He ignores the calls from work and Sackett knocking on the door. He eats dry cereal (he’s out of milk and doesn’t want to leave to get some) which he washes down with two beers. 

On the fourth day he puts the beer on the cereal and decides he doesn’t mind it. 

He’s pretty sure he’s fired. He’s also pretty sure he doesn’t care.

He sees a commercial for Match.com and after a few more beers and half a bottle of whiskey he decides to hack in just for fun. He thinks about going for the credit card information but he’s drunk and doesn’t trust himself to do it cleanly enough so it doesn’t trace back to him. 

Instead he screws around with the profile picture. There are just so many cat pictures on the internet that are begging to be used. That makes the news. There’s a Buzzfeed article listing the fifty best ones. 

No one comes looking for him.

He wouldn’t care if they did.

After a week he runs out of alcohol. He waits until Sackett leaves in the morning then grabs the key and steals every bottle he can get his hands on. It takes him two trips.

Later, when he’s dozing off on the couch (sometimes the empty space next to him is too much) with an insanely expense bottle of scotch on the floor just within reach Sackett’s starts banging on the door. 

“Brewster, this is too far. This isn’t healthy!” He bangs harder, the door knob rattles, and Caleb takes another drink. “Do you have any idea how much all that costs? I’m going to send you a bill. I know you’re good for it. You can’t hide in there forever. What are you going to do when that runs out?”

There’s another round of knocking then it’s silent.

“Caleb, please. You should talk to someone. You don’t have to go through this alone. You shouldn’t have to. I’m here if you want to talk.”

There’s more silence then footsteps and Sackett’s door opening and closing. 

Caleb’s all alone again so he rolls over and falls asleep.

Sackett’s supply lasts him another five days. 

He doesn’t want to accidentally run into Sackett in the hallway so he eyes the fire escape warily. It’s a long way down. He’s not drunk enough to go for it. He decides to make a run for it past Sackett’s door and doesn’t slow down until he reaches Anna’s bar. 

There’s a lull which means there’s nothing to distract Anna from spotting him right when he walks in. 

“Alone tonight?”

“Yup.”

“Is Ben coming later?”

“Nope.”

She pours him a glass of his favorite beer and hands it to him without him having to ask for it. He raises it to her in appreciation before he takes a deep drink. 

Miraculously she gives him some space. He thinks that Selah might have said something to her; he saw the two of them whispering to each other at the far end of the bar. He only sees her when she comes over to hill his glass. He’s never loved her more. 

It’s not until a half an hour before closing- when Caleb has had more drinks than he can count and is resting his head on the bar that Anna puts her hand on his arm. He shrugs his way out of the touch and takes a long drink.

“Where is Ben?”

Caleb rocks the glass back and forth. Anna bites her lip. 

“He had prior commitments.” Is the explanation he finally settles on. 

“What does that mean? Something with work?”

Caleb shakes his head and Anna’s face pales as she leans across the bar. “Is he married?”

Caleb laughs so hard he falls off the bar stool. 

He wakes up the next morning in his bed. 

The next night Anna tells him that she and Selah brought him home. He doesn’t remember any of it. 

But he remembers Ben so he drinks and drinks until he’s just a blue eyed, blond haired haze.

He remembers Anna taking his shoes off that night with Selah standing by the door. She’s shaking her head in anger.

“If I ever see that man again….”

“Don’t worry.” Caleb throws an arm over his eyes. “You ain’t never gonna see him again.”

Caleb gives it a few days before he goes back and when he does he doesn’t sit at the bar. Selah waits on him and he doesn’t ask how he’s feeling. Caleb loves Selah too. 

A guy that looks nothing like Ben pulls out the chair across from him and sits down. He introduces himself but Caleb makes a point not to remember his name. It’s not important. He doesn’t care. He’d tell him to shut up and get away from him but Ben said he wanted him to meet other people so…

They talk for ten minutes about nothing and that’s all it takes for Caleb to decide that this guy is as good as any and starts to drag him through the door (blatantly ignoring Anna’s disapproving look) and back to his apartment. 

Caleb has no interest in foreplay so he shoves the guy towards the bedroom. He’s missing his shirt by the time he gets there and is kicking off his shoes when Caleb pulls him down onto the bed. The guy kisses his neck and presses his hips down to Caleb’s.

It’s nice. It’s fine. It’s not what he wants but he’s accepted that he doesn’t get what he wants anymore so it’ll have to do. 

He closes his eyes and tries to feel until the guys lips touch that spot beneath his ears; the spot where Ben left that bruise that’s still there- fading more everyday but there- and the realization that someone else is exactly where Ben was sobers him fast.

“No.” Caleb pushes him back and pulls his own shirt down. The guy looks shocked.

“What?”

“No, no, this is….no….you have to go.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No. Get out.”

“I don’t….what happened?” He asks as he’s jamming his foot back into his shoe.

“Put them on in the hallway. Get out.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” There’s no anger behind it. Just wonder and amusement. If it was under any other circumstance Caleb might actually like the guy but now he points towards the door and shakes his head.

“Alright, alright. Sorry for….whatever.”

Caleb’s left there trying to catch his breath and feeling more alone than ever.

He doesn’t try to take anyone else home.

He does go home for Thanksgiving. It’s nice to have a change of pace. It’s somewhere new but familiar. There’s no one here to ask where Ben is.

He catches himself enjoying it. The food is amazing and he relaxes afterwards by watching football on the couch with his four year old nephew falling asleep on his chest. 

After dessert he helps his mother clean up. She takes a plate from him and starts to dry it.

“So, I heard you were seeing someone.”

Caleb’s jaw sets and he holds a plate very tight. He was doing so well. 

“Anna met him? She told her mother who told me. She said it was serious.”

Caleb shakes his head and passes the plate. 

“I half expected you to bring him with you.”

“That’s over. It wasn’t serious anyways.” He lies. 

“She said you were happy.”

“Well, Anna was wrong.”

His mother sighs, dries her hands on the towel and pats him on the back.

Three weeks after Ben left Caleb runs out of soap. 

More specifically he runs out of the bar of soap in the shower that Ben had been using. 

He watches it dissolve in his hand until there’s nothing left then he stands in the shower until the water runs cold and he’s shivering. 

It’s a stupid thing to be upset over-he knows that- but that stupid piece of soap had been held by Ben. It touched him and he has so little to remember him by. 

He gets dressed, puts on the Yale sweatshirt and a jacket over it and heads out. 

Sackett’s door swings open before Caleb can even get his closed. 

“Brewster.”

“I’ll pay for what I took.”

“I don’t care about that.” Sackett follows him down the hall. “Not really. Are you okay? Of course you’re not okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“I doubt that. Do you need to talk?”

“No.”

“I think you do.”

“Then why are you asking me?”

“I’m giving you the illusion of choice. It does help to talk, Caleb. You don’t have to be alone.”

“I don’t want to talk to you. This is your fault.”

The harshness of his words surprises both of them but he might as well keep going. 

“If you hadn’t of built that machine for your own selfish reasons none of this would’ve happened. It’s not worth it. I’m always going to feel like this. It’ll never get better. There’s nothing you can say to fix this. Stop trying.” 

He storms off down the stairs. 

“I’m right next door.” Sackett calls after him.

He only means to go to the store. He pulls into the parking lot but doesn’t get out of the car. Instead he backs out and gets back on the road. 

Before he knows it he’s back in New Haven parked in front of that library. 

It’s weird being there alone. With Ben he felt like he belonged but he knows exactly where to go to get a part of him back. 

There’s no one in the last few rows and his hands are shaking when he kneels down and pulls back the molding. The paper is right there, just as it always has been. He sits down fully and let’s himself have a moment to run his fingers over the fading ink. He’s about to put the molding back in place when he sees another piece of paper. When he pulls it out he recognizes the hand writing immediately. There’s another piece behind it and another after that. He wants to read them all right there. They’re varying lengths- some a paragraph others just a sentence. They’re all dated and none of them are signed. 

_November 4th, 1776  
I made it. Far away from Rogers and any threats. The wound opened back up. Technically I don’t think it ever closed. The doctor at camped stitched it back up. He did a horrible job. The stitches are uneven; it’ll take forever to heal. I’ll always have a scar. I miss how sanitary everything was. I miss Advil. I really miss you._

_January 15th, 1778  
Winter at Valley Forge is so much worse than they make it seem in the books. Get a hold of every one you can and write how awful it is in them all. Please. I’m sorry it took me so long to write again. Sometimes it’s hard to get away. I hope you understand._

Someone coughs a half a dozen rows over but Caleb jumps. He folds the papers carefully into his pocket and reads the rest in his car. 

_September 6th, 1783  
The war is over. I know I already knew the exact date but I don’t even have to pretend to be excited. We’ve been celebrating for days. I wish you were here._

_December 12th, 1783  
I met her. She’s nice. I think you would like her._

_March 4th, 1785  
My son is beautiful. I hope he’s proud of me._

_November 1st, 1787  
I miss you. Tell Sackett I said hello. I hope he’s doing well._

_August 6th, 1790  
Sometimes I wonder if I feel happy because I know I’m supposed to or if it’s really true._

_April 19th, 1795  
I fell off a boat in January. The water was freezing. It was my fault. I stood up. I know not to do that now. I gave everyone a scare. They said I was out for four days. Lifejackets are a very useful and important invention. It would be wrong of me to suggest them, wouldn’t it? I was slipping in and out of consciousness and I swear I saw you. You told me it wasn’t my time. I think you saved me. Thank you._

_January 15th, 1799  
I met a man named Brewster yesterday. Lucas Brewster. Do you know anything about him? I couldn’t even introduce myself to him. I just stared at him until he walked away. He probably thinks I’m crazy. Look him up. I almost wrote ‘and let me know’. I wish you could. Tell Sackett to work on that. Of course I’m assuming you still want to. By the time you’re reading this you could be married with kids of your own. I’d hope you’d still write to me. I’d like to hear from you. I miss you and I love you._

_May 25th, 1801  
We let the kids get a dog. It’s a shaggy little mutt but it’s loyal and loves them. I hope you have a dog._

_June 20th, 1804  
I miss you. I love you._

_November 14th, 1805  
Sometimes I get so angry with you. I keep expecting to turn a corner and see you somewhere because you decided to come back to me but it never happens. I know it’s not your fault and that there’s nothing you can do about it but. I don’t know. You’re doing what’s right. But what’s right is also unfair. Honestly I don’t know what I’d do if I saw you. Maybe this is for the best._

_November 15th, 1805  
I miss you._

_March 3rd, 1812  
President Madison asked me to consider rejoined the army. I told him no. I was honored but I’m done with fighting._

_October 10th, 1820  
I wrote that book. You already know. You’re not in it. I would have only been able to give you a line or two and you’re worth more than that. I have five years left and I’ll feel guilty about omitting you everyday of them. I know you’re reading this and thinking that I have nothing to feel guilty about because that’s the way you are but I’d like for you to let me have this one._

_February 17th, 1835  
I think this will be the last thing I’ll be able to write for you. It was hard enough just getting here for this one but I realized I didn’t say goodbye in the last one and I couldn’t end it like that. I feel fine but my children won’t let me out of their sight. I think they’re afraid I’ll keel over at any second. I keep telling them I have a bit of time left but I don’t think they believe me. It doesn’t bother me knowing exactly when it’ll happen. I thought it would the closer that it got but I feel like I’m ready. You wouldn’t recognize me. You called me beautiful one time and I’m glad that’s how you’ll remember me. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re reading this. I hope you found all of these but even if you didn’t I’m still glad I wrote it. It felt like this brought me closer to you again. I think that’s what got me through it. I missed you constantly. I thought about you all the time. I know I said I wanted you to move on and I do but I hope you thought about me too. But mostly I hope that whoever you’re with now, or whoever you’ll be with loves you and you love them. You do deserve more than I could ever give you here. You can have everything and I hope you end up with it. I love you. You’re everything._

He drives back home without the radio on and with the letters still folded in his pocket he knocks on Sackett’s door. It opens almost instantly. 

“I will pay for what I took.”

“I don’t really care about that. But if it’ll make you feel better…”

Caleb smiles weakly. “I don’t think anything is going to make me feel better.”

Sackett opens the door wider and Caleb steps in. 

“I went to Yale.”

“What’s there?”

“Last time I went there with him and he showed me this.” He pulls out the cheat sheet and hands it to Sackett. “He wrote it, back then. I wanted to get it, you know I don’t have much from him and I found more.” He doesn’t show them to Sackett. “He wrote to me. He let me know he was okay and what was going on. I think he was okay. Or he handled it better than I’ve been handling it. Or he just didn’t tell me how terrible he felt because he didn’t want me to feel bad. Probably the last one.” 

“Probably.” 

Caleb kicks at the edge of the coffee table. “I have to get over this, don’t I?”

Sackett considers this. “I wouldn’t say you have to get over it but you have to handle it.”

“How do I do that?”

“Baby steps. Shave.” He points to Caleb’s beard. “That’s getting out of control. Try to get a job, a real job again. Then figure it out from there. Maybe once you get that far everything else will start to fall into place.”

“I guess I should stop drinking so much.”

Sackett shrugs and heads into the kitchen. He picks up a bottle of scotch and shakes it at Caleb.

“I restocked. Care to join me?”

They drink. They pass the bottle between them filling up their glassed. Sackett stretches out on the couch and Caleb lies on the floor. Everything is funny when they’re drunk. Caleb wishes he saw this side of Sackett earlier. 

“Do you think I could still go back?” Caleb asks him as he stops giggling about a story Sackett has just told. 

“That, my boy, is not moving on.”

“It sounds like so much work. Moving on.”

“And adapting to the 1700’s would be so much easier?”

“He would be there.”

“You know you couldn’t have the life you want to have.”

“I would take what he could give me.”

“Brewster.”

“Could you still send me back?”

“Well, of course I could.”

“Then do it.” He tries to stand but the apartment spins. Sackett reaches over and pushes him back down, almost falling off the couch as he moves.

“I’m not sending you back drunk. You’ll get arrested or something and with your big mouth you’ll tell everyone you’re from the future, they’ll think you’re crazy, and toss you on some prison ship or something. Sleep on it.”

When Sackett wakes up the first thing he sees is Caleb standing in front of the machine. There’s a hammer in his hand that dangles right above the control panel. 

“I can’t go back. He probably loves them. All of them. He never said he didn’t. I can’t believe he doesn’t. They have a dog.” He shrugs. “Even if he doesn’t I can’t deny them. They have nothing to do with this. They’re happy. I think I’m happy for him. Or I want to be.”

“You will be.”

“I hope.”

“He’d want you to be happy.”

“I know and all that I’ve been doing is the exact opposite of what he wanted.”

“It’s not too late to fix it.”

“It’s going to take time. I wish I could let him know when I get there. He spent his whole life worrying about me. He didn’t get any closure.”

“The thing about the past is that it’s always there.”

Caleb narrows his eyes. 

“I might be able to help you if you put the hammer down and step away.”

Caleb does what he’s told.

He drops the hammer. 

He shaves. 

He gets his job back. His boss took serious pity on him. 

He asks for water when he goes back to Anna’s and she hugs him tight for a long time.

The guy he almost hooked up with is named Walt. He bumps into him at the grocery store and apologizes profusely. He explains that he was going through a bad breakup and Walt waves him off. He tells Caleb that he hopes he’s feeling better. Caleb lets him walk a few steps away before he touches his arm and asks if he’d like to get coffee sometime. Walt does.  
It takes Caleb another year to feel like he’s ready to write a letter to Ben. 

He folds it up and hands it to Sackett and they both watch it disappear in the machine.

New Haven, February 17th, 1835

_December 16th, 2016 I got your letters. I loved them. I’ll keep them forever. I know things must have been difficult for you when you went back, what with the war going on and everything, and I don’t want to sound dramatic but I honestly would’ve taken the war over how I felt. That went on for a long time. I pushed everyone away because I wanted to be alone. I thought I would feel that way forever. I know you told me you wanted me to move on but I didn’t want anyone to replace you because no one ever could. I thought they’d all let me down or find something wrong with me. Things got better after I got your letters. Not right away but I got there. I traveled. I made it all the way to California. I wish I had been able to show you the West Coast. The water is a lot warmer. You’d like it. I started seeing someone. His name is Walt. We met at Anna’s not too long after you left but that meeting didn’t end well. I was still so messed up. Don’t feel guilty about that. It wasn’t your fault. I’m glad it happened like that. It’s serious. He told me he loved me first, just like you did. I think you’d like him. Maybe. I try not to think about the two of you at the same time. Honestly, I try not to think of you at all. It’s not fair to him. I try not to think about you but it still happens. I can’t help it. I still have your Yale sweatshirt. I told Walt a friend of mine gave it to me. I only wear it when he’s not around. We’re thinking about adopting a dog. It hurts less every day. Sackett says he still can’t think about his wife without a little bit of pain so I don’t know if it’ll go way completely. At least I know you have a full life. You had people that loved you. I love you. You gave me so much. You said that I saved you when you fell in the water and I think you did the same for me. You made me believe that I deserved to be happy. I’ll never be able to thank you enough. I wouldn’t be living this life if it wasn’t for you. Thank you. I love you. Sackett says hello._

Ben reads it twice before he tucks it into his pocket and rejoins his family.

He keeps it close to him for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. That's all she wrote. Literally. What a ride. 
> 
> How about next time I write something light and fluffy with absolutely no danger of angst?

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea if there are videos on YouTube about what to do with a bullet wound and I don't care to find out.


End file.
